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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Across the world, local shops are closing due to losing customers to online competitors. What problems does this produce? And what solutions can you suggest to overcome them?

All over the world, local
stores
Use synonyms
 are closing down as they are losing customers to online competitors. The primary problem of
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is an increase in unemployment in those countries, and the most viable solution is to educate their citizens about the dangers of joblessness. One of the most evident problems associated with the closure of local shops is the rise in unemployment across many countries. As consumers increasingly turn to online shopping and neglect traditional
stores
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, numerous employees in the retail sector are likely to lose their jobs. In severe cases,
this
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 may even push individuals into poverty.
For instance
Linking Words
, in the UK, the unemployment rate has reportedly increased by 62% since 2019, largely
due to
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 the decline of local businesses in favour of online alternatives.
This
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 results in many negative elements,
such
Linking Words
 as poverty among the citizens and a huge decline in the economy in general. A long-term solution to
this
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 predicament is to educate young
people
Use synonyms
 about the dangers of not supporting local projects. Children in schools could be taught about the importance of local projects and their vital contribution to the national economy. They are
also
Linking Words
 likely to teach their parents about the things they learnt at school, and adults will
also
Linking Words
 be influenced by
this
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 initiative.
For example
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, school children in KSA were taught about the consequences of purchasing stuff from online
stores
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instead
Linking Words
 of local
stores
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, and
thisphenomenon
Correct your spelling
this phenomenon
 has resulted in an increasing number of
people
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 in poverty and
unemployed
Replace the word
unemployment
show examples
. In conclusion, many
people
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 around the world are shutting their
stores
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due to
Linking Words
 online shopping, resulting in a significant number of residents becoming unemployed, and the best way to curb
this
Linking Words
 dilemma is to teach the public how to support their own
people
Use synonyms
 and start to buy from them.

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task achievement
Make sure you give clear solutions to the problems. You mentioned teaching young people, but adding more ideas would help things.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words or phrases to connect your ideas, such as 'firstly', 'next', and 'finally'. This makes your writing easier to follow.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your ideas, as this can help explain your point more clearly. For instance, more examples of local shops or studies can be useful!
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the problem and solution, which is a good start!
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion nicely summarizes your main point, making it clear for the reader.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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