IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There are a lot of old people in some countries who live longer than usual. Some argue that the old age population causes problems for governments. While others are of the opinion that the elderly can bring some gains. This essay will agree about the advantages of having an ageing population from my perspective.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
One obvious thing about the ageing population is that it can help the security of many countries become more stable because of its sustainability in innovation and creativity.
For example
Linking Words
, an old professor who is knowledgeable about the research of science and technology can improve the security of a country
such
Linking Words
 as making artificial intelligence to help find an anomaly in the data in the government of many countries.
In addition
Linking Words
,
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
 humans usually have more experience than
adolescence
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
to work
Change preposition
in working
show examples
 in a big company or an industry.
For instance
Linking Words
, a qualification of occupation become sales marketing usually prioritizes a person with lots of experience. So, first graduate students whose average age is between 22 to 24 years, have a small chance to fulfil the qualification
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that they are still newbies compared to ageing citizens with experience.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, those whose age is above 70, cannot work as fast as the youth because their health is getting worse which influences their vision and hearing.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 will decrease their sensibility in working. As an illustration, an elderly person might struggle to read small print on a label or hear important instructions clearly in a noisy environment.
As a result
Linking Words
, they may take longer to complete tasks compared to younger individuals who can process information more quickly. In spite of their weakness, they may be a good mentor or inspiration for young individuals who have a big motivation and a spirit in work. In my view,
while
Linking Words
 ageing individuals bring
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 bad health, they
also
Linking Words
 can bring numerous benefits
such
Linking Words
 as
help
Wrong verb form
helping
show examples
 the security of a country and
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mentor
Fix the agreement mistake
mentors
show examples
 for new generations.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To enhance task response, consider elaborating more on how elderly individuals can be mentors. Provide more practical examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance coherence by improving the transition between paragraphs. Use linking words or phrases to guide the reader more smoothly from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, providing a good framework for the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples, such as the role of an old professor in innovation and creativity, which strengthen the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: