IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

In many countries around the world young people decide to leave their parents’ home once they finish school. They start living on their own or sharing a house with friends. Is this a positive or a negative development?

#countries #world #people #parents’ #home #school #house #friends #development
These days, in some countries the
young
Correct word choice
younger
show examples
 generations after finishing high school leave their families' houses to the sharing houses or live individually. In my opinion,
this
 happening is a positive development owing to the fact that it is the best time for youth to learn to manage their
money
 and to live in society. On the one hand, if young
people
 leave their house after 18 years old, they apply for a range of job opportunities to earn
money
.
In other words
, working after graduating from high school teaches the young population to save their
money
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and the ways of spending
money
 and so on. To illustrate, most young
people
 invest their
money
 in items that are really expensive or they do not need
while
 when they have to spend their income, they fund their
money
 on the essential factors that have good prices.
On the other hand
, it is important that young
people
 leave their parents inasmuch as they learn some elements
such
 as the ways of living in society, social behaviours, in real lives,
people
 do not have access to a range of the facilities that they need, and the works that avoid them from committing crimes.
In addition
,
this
 situation creates a chance for them to find the best way that they can improve the way that inhabitants.
To sum up
, in my view, leaving a family has a range of benefits like not only spending
money
 on essential factors but
also
 living in a society which aids young generations to make the best lives for themselves.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

style
Try to maintain a consistent tone and avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeating ideas or phrases, introduce new supporting points or further elaborate on existing ones.
task achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments. This will make your response more convincing and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Ensure clarity by structuring your points clearly in each paragraph. Use topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph, followed by supporting sentences.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Logical progression of ideas, with clear connections between the paragraphs, which helps to maintain a smooth flow throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the question and provides a clear stance on the topic, making the task response complete.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-reliance
  • financial responsibility
  • social isolation
  • housing demand
  • personal growth
  • financial strain
  • problem-solving
  • decision-making skills
  • disrupt
  • support networks
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!