IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the cas? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #cas #development
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Mobile phones, nowadays, contain essential features with entertainment
also
. There has been a large growth seen in the usage hours of smartphones among younger. There are several reasons behind
this
 situation and ı find
this
 development more beneficial than negative. Both the reasons and my view
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 elaborated
further
. The first reason for over usage of smart devices by youngsters is the social benefit they provide. The smartphone connected to the internet opens up large possibilities, from creating new friends to communicating with them via social media.
For instance
, a child in my neighbourhood chats for hours with his school friends over Facebook(a social media) and
also
 spends time over online video sharing phone application.
Moreover
, mobile gaming, especially multiplayer games, is another major reason for the situation. Children play different kinds of games over mobile for entertainment purposes and they involve themselves in games in
such
 a manner, that they forget about the timing and other work to do.
However
, ı believes that smartphones have
also
 increased the knowledge of pupils. İt has developed some important social
skills
,
such
 as communication
skills
, teamwork and many more, by allowing them to work and play in groups, without the restriction of distance.
In addition
, children can learn through the internet by watching online videos and reading articles, which ultimately helps them in their studies
as well as
 language
skills
.
For example
, whenever my niece requires to know about something, he searches for it on the internet and learns from it.
Moreover
, multiplayer online gaming improves their multitasking ability and it
also
 gives them a competitive environment.
Overall
, ı agree that over
usage
Replace the word
use
show examples
 of smartphones on a regular basis is harmful to them, but if given proper guidance, mobile phones can help them
in learning
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
 some life-long
skills
.
Submitted by yito18750 on

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task achievement
Add more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly from one idea to the next. Consider using linking words for better flow.
task achievement
Avoid minor grammatical errors and ensure consistent use of pronouns like 'I'.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and well-structured introduction and conclusion, contributing to good coherence.
task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to both questions in the task, which is excellent for task achievement.
task achievement
You identify relevant aspects of smartphone use such as socializing and gaming along with a balanced perspective on their impact.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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