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Band 6.5

Some people think that public health is the responsibility of the government while others think that people should be responsible for their own health. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #health #responsibility #government
Healthcare is one of the most important assets
that is
 always viewed as a top priority.
While
 advocates of governmental intervention claim that the
government
 should take accountability to improve the well-being of its citizens as they are the backbone of the social and economic development of a country, opponents argue that maintaining good
health
 solely lies on personal obligations. In
this
 regard, I personally think it should be a shared responsibility.
To begin
 with, reasons why governing bodies should be proactive in enhancing public
health
 are varied. From a socioeconomic perspective,
people
 in society play a pivotal role in developing societal progress and economic sustainability of a country through various contributions that include their occupations, expertise, taxes, and daily involvement in the operation of transportation, business and other sectors. As a healthy community is a guarantee of a powerful country, the
government
 should invest in enhancing
people
’s
overall
 well-being by providing free medical check-ups. Another driving factor is to assist impoverished
people
 in need, thereby accelerating
overall
 healthcare and a sense of contentment.
This
 is simply because there are some serious life-threatening
health
 problems, related to cardiovascular diseases, cancer, or leukaemia that ordinary
people
 cannot afford to pay the operation fees. In
this
 sense, the significance of
government
 investment and donation is genuinely critical, which is applied worldwide in almost all countries around the world,
for example
.
Therefore
, in these two scenarios, it is important for governments to take care of public
health
.
On the other hand
, I totally agree with the statement that
individuals
 themselves should take care of their personal
health
 over their entire lives despite the initiatives and support of the
government
 in the medicine industry.
Although
 medical practitioners and
health
 experts recommend
people
 lead a healthy lifestyle through various means,
such
 as social platforms and face-to-face consultations, in my view, whether to follow these suggestions or not depends on how much
individuals
 take care of their personal medical conditions. There are some fundamental steps that promote a healthy lifestyle, including daily exercises, the consumption of healthy meals, the avoidance of unhealthy eating or drinking habits, having sufficient sleep hours, and regular medical check-ups at a local hospital. Only when is a person serious about maintaining good
health
, certain
health
 issues
such
 as obesity and other resulting diseases related to diabetes, cardiology and hypertension would not be pressing problems in
this
 medical advancement century when medicine and technology have ever boomed and the number of public indoor and outdoor fitness centres subsidized by the
government
 has skyrocketed. Regardless of many attempts by the
government
 authorities, it is suggested that
individuals
 should
also
 be responsible for their
health
. Having discussed both sides of the argument, I am more convinced that both the
government
 and the
people
 should strike a balance to establish a healthy lifestyle, as it is critically important for both the
government
 and
individuals
.
Submitted by kmuxayyo97 on

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coherence cohesion
Structurally, the essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, main body, and a conclusion. To improve, connect ideas within and between paragraphs more smoothly using a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points more evenly, ensuring that both sides of the argument are explored in equal depth before providing your opinion, to strengthen the essay's balance and coherence.
task achievement
The essay responds well to the task by discussing both sides of the health care responsibility argument and giving the candidate's own opinion. However, to score higher, provide a deeper exploration of the task's specific points and a more nuanced discussion with varied examples.
task achievement
Include more relevant examples to support the arguments. The examples given are somewhat general; adding specific studies, statistics, or citing health initiatives could bring more weight to the arguments presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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