IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

All mothers and fathers should be made to take childcare courses. Do you agree with this point of view?

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Malcolm X, one of the most prominent activists of the Civil Rights movement in the U.S., once remarked that “education is our passport to the future”, i.e., education has made us what we are, master of the universe, ranging from academic skills to personal development. Nowadays, there are extensive arguments about
childcare
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courses
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 for
parents
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. Admitting that there is always the other side of the coin of advantages and disadvantages, the answer varies from person to person, depending on the value systems or the circumstances. All in all, I totally agree with the statement for two reasons as follows. First and foremost, I reckon that
childcare
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courses
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 allow
parents
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 to save their children from dangers, which could lead to injury or even death.
For example
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, certain foods,
such
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 as honey, cause serious allergic reactions in infants. If
parents
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 give it to their children under three years old without knowledge, the kids may be dead.
Therefore
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, to ensure children’s safety,
parents
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 should learn about the potential hazards throughout the classes.
Secondly
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, these
courses
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 help
parents
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 maintain good conditions, offering the opportunities to make relationships among
parents
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.
Childcare
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 often brings a lot of stress
due to
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 the financial problems for education or anxiety of the development progress.
Thus
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, it is important to provide events where mothers or fathers who have similar issues can communicate with each other to share their anxiety and difficulties. In conclusion, today, many mothers and fathers struggle to cope with raising children. The
childcare
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courses
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 provide
parents
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 with two significant benefits: learning about the dangers and making communities help each other.
Hence
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, I believe
childcare
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courses
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 are a prerequisite for our society.
That is
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 my view.

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What works well

3
coherence cohesion

The essay has a strong introduction and conclusion, providing a clear point of view.

task achievement

The main points are supported with relevant, specific examples.

coherence cohesion

The essay is logically structured, with each point building on the previous one.

Improvement Suggestions

3
coherence cohesion

Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and is linked smoothly to the next.

task achievement

Provide more specific examples or data to support your points.

task achievement

Clarify your thesis statement in the introduction for a more focused argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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