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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or exper

#people #schools #impact #children #environment #exper
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In
this
 day and night, competition has established its roots in all ways of
life
. A section of society vehemently deems that being cutthroat has heinous effects on students' lives,
whereas
 others assert that being competitive motivates learners to accomplish their dreams.
Although
this
 essay will scrutinize both perspectives in the forthcoming paragraphs, I concur with both views.  Ostensibly, various factors make a group of people believe that being ambitious has its downside in pupils' lives. First and foremost, being aggressive to achieve goals can distract children from their childhood. To clarify, reaching end results is the only thing a child can think about these days,
however
Add a comma
however,
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 childhood is to try and experience all new circumstances and make memories which can help in future
while
 decision making and being a team player. To exemplify, Dr Sigmund Freud, an eminent psychologist
his
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in his
show examples
 study of human behaviour and cognitive skills asserted that a student's mind should be free from all the worries of the world
then
 only can be fully developed.
On the contrary
, people opine that being an ambitious learner can carry through a person
in
Change preposition
apply
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this
 era of
life
. Primarily, in all aspects of
life
 staying at number one is the only option to gather everything in
life
. To go deeper, if a student from an average family wants to study
further
 with new technologies and advancements, one has to be a cutthroat to gain the opportunity to learn more. To illustrate, a survey conducted by the United States Census Bureau over a group of 2000 students revealed that 35% of them would do anything to stay
upfront
Correct your spelling
front
show examples
 so they can fulfil their dreams and acquire governmental benefits to help themselves and their families financially. 
To conclude
, it can be said that
although
 being aggressive has its own detrimental impacts without ambition, no one can attain anything in their
life
.
Submitted by smanureet on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your main points are logically developed and connected throughout the essay. Some sentences could be more cohesive.
Task Achievement
Work on providing even more specific examples and further explanation to strengthen your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay clearly presents both sides of the argument and offers a clear introduction and conclusion.
Task Achievement
The essay introduces relevant theories, such as Dr. Sigmund Freud's, and uses statistical data effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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