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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achive anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this messages?

In many cultures, it is common to tell
children
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 that they can achieve anything if they
work
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 hard.
This
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message
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 can be inspiring, but it
also
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 has some drawbacks. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 idea. One of the main advantages of giving
children
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this
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message
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 is that it motivates them to
work
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 hard and not give up easily. When
children
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 believe that effort leads to success, they are more likely to keep trying, even when things are difficult.
This
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 can help them build strong
work
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 habits and self-confidence.
For example
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, a child who believes they can become a doctor if they study hard may put in extra effort in school and eventually reach their goal.
However
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, there are
also
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 some disadvantages to
this
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message
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. It can create unrealistic expectations. Not all goals can be achieved by hard
work
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 alone.
For instance
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, some careers require special talents, physical abilities, or opportunities that not everyone has. If
children
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 fail to achieve their dreams despite trying hard, they might feel disappointed or think they are not good enough.
This
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 can lead to stress, low self-esteem, or even depression. In conclusion, telling
children
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 that they can achieve anything with hard
work
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 can encourage determination and confidence.
However
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, it is
also
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 important to teach them about limitations and the role of other factors
such
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 as luck or talent. A balanced
message
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 is better for their emotional and mental development.

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task achievement
Make sure to explain all your points more deeply. You have some good ideas, but adding more details or examples would help.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use linking words more, like 'firstly', 'in addition,' or 'on the other hand', to help your ideas flow better together.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is very good. You set up your main points well and wrapped up nicely at the end.
task achievement
You presented both advantages and disadvantages, showing a balanced view, which is great for this topic.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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