IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
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In today’s rapidly changing world, more
people
 who have a serious problem
such
 as being overweight in their healthy lifestyle is a topic of debate. Some argue that the solution available in
this
 case is to increase the price of fattening
food
. I firmly believe that integrated programs with assessing
food
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
can greatly balance outcomes and achievements.
Firstly
, medical committees encourage adults to achieve their body goals. Many diseases are presumably encountered if
people
 cannot keep their consumption of healthy foods for the long term, in consequence, they are likely to be overweight because their metabolism is slower than youngsters and
also
, have limited time to do exercises. By counting calories, the elderly can know how many exactly calories they need to do a lot of activities, It impacts the quality of a healthy life which can avoid serious diseases.
Furthermore
,
people
 who have a normal weight can extend their long life expectancy. For obtaining a normal weight, a lot of researches present that
people
 who have a good diet are likely to have a long life. In consequence, it will give advantages to families and countries by distributing their knowledge to communities. Some argue that without increasing the price of fattening foods,
this
 goal could not be achievable. It is important to assist foods in manufacturies by enhanced laboratorium which are capable of assessing
this
food
.
This
 program can be avoided by the huge impacts of increasing
food
 prices, especially for economic aspects in countries. In conclusion, encouraging
people
 to achieve a normal weight offers undeniable advantages. Assessing
food
 and spreading knowledge of good habits will extend long-life expectancy and give benefits to communities.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Clarify your stance on whether increasing the price of fattening food can be a solution. The essay seems to partially agree without fully exploring both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Explain some points with more specific examples or experiences to provide stronger support for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow can be improved. Each paragraph should clearly relate back to your main argument and connect more smoothly with one another.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas are well developed with supporting details.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively included an introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument.
task achievement
You mentioned important aspects of health impacts related to obesity, which gives your argument some depth.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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