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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child’s development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Some consider that homeschooling is the best option for
children
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, others think kids need to experience the
school
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 environment.
According to
Linking Words
 my own opinion,
children
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 need to go to
school
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 and enjoy its conditions.
This
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 essay will discuss the positive sides
for
Change preposition
of
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 both
opinion
Change to a plural noun
opinions
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. First of all, it is a fact that
home
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a home
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 is a safe place for
children
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, they feel absolutely comfortable and secure.
However
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, the world itself is not so simple and carefree, in the future, those
children
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 might encounter difficult issues, which they will need to overcome in their adulthood life.
Thus
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, gaining
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
knowledge of methods of solving problems is an essential lesson to learn.
Moreover
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, going to
school
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 has several benefits and teaches vital points, including social skills, leadership, building strong friendships, research abilities
and
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apply
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etc. To give an example, my nephew who used to be extremely shy and antisocial, turned into an
incredible
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incredibly
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 confident
kid
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,
due to
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 the effects of
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school
Add an article
the school
a school
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 environment.
On the other hand
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,
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school
Add an article
a school
the school
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 might include hard issues for
children
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,
for instance
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, bullying. Bullying will not be a problem if a
kid
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 is being homeschooled, since he/she will not be in the same room and will not experience the same conditions with other kids. I absolutely think,
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although
Correct word choice
that although
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children
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are taught at home might learn the same materials
with
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as
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 the kids at
school
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, mentally and psychologically, they will not develop
similarly
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. The advantage of homeschooling might be
the
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apply
show examples
reduced bullying,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 there are other additional beneficial aspects of
school
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. There are several examples that show the psychological difference between a homeschooled
kid
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 and a
kid
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 going to
school
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.
To conclude
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, both methods might have several advantages,
nevertheless
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, experiencing the
school
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 environment, meeting new friends,
overcoming
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and overcoming
show examples
 difficulties at
school
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 are so vital and will evolve a person's abilities.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, try using more linking words to ensure a smoother transition between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Keep your thesis statement explicit in the introduction to clearly show your stance and guide the reader.
task achievement
While discussing the advantages of homeschooling, try to include more examples or details to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples, specifically the personal example of your nephew, which adds a personal touch and strengthens the argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively encapsulate the main points discussed in the essay.
task achievement
There's a balanced discussion of both perspectives, showing an understanding of the advantages of each approach.
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