IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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A major part of kids are very addicted to their smartphones and dedicate most of their
time
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 to these technological
devices
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.
Although
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 some people allow their
children
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 to spend most of their
time
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 on phones in order to keep them busy which may help parents to focus on the things which are more important
such
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 as chores, in my opinion,
this
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 process has a negative impact on
children
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's well-being.
Firstly
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, the issues that mobile phones or laptops can create on health are enormous and contain long-term effects. The blue light
that is
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 emitted from electronic
devices
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' screens causes poor sight especially when individuals are exposed
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 light at an early age. There are different studies that
proved
Wrong verb form
prove
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 that blue light
damage
Correct subject-verb agreement
damages
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 the outer layer of the eyes and
it
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apply
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causes dried, red eyes which leads to chronic diseases
such
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 as astigmatism.
Additionally
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, the long hours spent on phones may provoke problems
such
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 as depression or anger issues. The main reason for these issues is video games because they can be very annoying for
children
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 especially when they lose a game round.
Secondly
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, the content that
children
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 can reach using their smartphones should be restricted based on their ages. Because, these contents may contain some kind of violence, nudity, or something else
that is
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 not suitable for them.
Moreover
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, smartphones steal a large amount of
time
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 from kids. These individuals should spend
time
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 on their creativity to build different skills
such
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 as painting, music, or science. In conclusion,
while
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 parents let their
children
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 spend a lot of
time
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 on smart
devices
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 for their own good, they
also
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 should acquire its negative consequences. The kids should be avoided from these
devices
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 by their parents and encouraged to build different skill sets.

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task achievement
Ensure the use of more specific examples and data to strengthen the argument about the long-term effects of smartphones on children's health. This will enhance the task achievement and illustrate points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by clearly distinguishing between the reasons for the issue and its impacts. Signposting can help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
task achievement
The essay provides a well-rounded argument by examining both the reasons for children's increased smartphone usage and the negative impacts it may have.
coherence cohesion
You successfully integrate an introduction and conclusion that neatly frame the essay and reinforce your stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay explores multiple reasons and impacts, demonstrating clear idea generation and coverage of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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