IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries, paying for things using mobile phone (cellphone) apps is becoming increasingly common. Does this development have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and includes relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, people use their smartphones to pay for any product through digital currency is more convenient.
Although
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 I agree with
this
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 statement to some extent as many negatives are present.
To begin
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 with, negatives, even though paying by mobile phone is extremely conventional and consumes less time with no worry about carrying physical money, the risk of getting hacked by some advanced thieving machine is still possible.
for example
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, in the USA and UK, hackers use some kind of criminal device to hack the mobile app
that is
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 being used to pay for an online transaction and often hackers can withdraw monetary funds from the particular smart mobile as well.
Moreover
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, as mobile phones can carry a lot of your private data on personal devices, there are some vulnerabilities to be hacked by someone all the time. Despite the negatives,the positives are more demanding .
Firstly
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, smartphone Companies have put a great effort into ensuring the safety of your personal electronic devices ,Since with the advancement of technology ,the security of the phone will improve altogether.
Additionally
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, security protocols like two-factor authorisation ensure a safety net for each person’s information.
Moreover
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, using digital currency is increasing and ,the demand for printing money is decreasing as they require the process of chopping wood to create paper for printing purposes which can harm the environment.
Consequently
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, carrying less physical cash lowers the chance of an individual getting robbed by a thief.
Lastly
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, if someone’s phone gets robbed and has a lot of money contained in the smart gadgets, the person can
initially
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 first block their account and
then
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 with the help of advanced GPS tracking, the police can
further
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 trace the robber. In conclusion, some drawbacks can arise, but the bright advantages it has outweigh the disadvantages.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure that ideas flow more logically between paragraphs. Try using linking words or phrases like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' 'Moreover,' and 'Consequently' to clearly outline a progression of thoughts.
coherence cohesion
While there is a clear introduction and conclusion, the introduction could be refined for clarity. It's slightly confusing with the phrase 'to some extent as many negatives are present.' Consider clearly stating your position or the scope of your discussion at the beginning.
task achievement
While relevant points and examples are discussed, they need to relate more directly to the question, which asks about whether advantages outweigh disadvantages. Be specific in presenting how the benefits and risks are balanced.
task achievement
To make ideas clearer and more comprehensive, consider dividing complex sentences into simpler ones. This helps the reader follow each point without confusion.
task achievement
While examples like hacking risks are provided, it would be beneficial to use more specific or detailed examples, perhaps from personal experience or the latest technological developments, to reinforce each point.
task achievement
You have successfully covered both advantages and disadvantages, which are necessary to address the essay question properly.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows a good attempt at balancing the discussion with both positive and negative points about using mobile apps for payment.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively wraps up the discussion by summarizing that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which aligns with a standard essay structure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Mobile payment apps
  • Encryption
  • Biometric authentication
  • Expense tracking
  • Budgeting tools
  • Digital divide
  • Social inequalities
  • Privacy concerns
  • Personal data
  • Cyber-attacks
  • Internet connectivity
  • Tech-savvy
  • Exploitation of data
  • Real-time updates
  • Fraud
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