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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Young Juveniles living in developed countries are experiencing obesity problems.
Although
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 many reasons can be behind
this
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 phenomenon, In
this
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 essay
i
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 will discuss about main causes and the number of various health factors that can affect a child's life. Regarding its causes, Juveniles that are residing in a wealthy country have the tendency to eat food at an extraordinary level without caring about calories .
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, Young people have developed an unhealthy habit of eating junk food
while
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 avoiding nutritional meals leading to overweight issues.
Additionally
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, Bad parenting
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 plays an important factor ,since parents should look after their children's health.
Consequently
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, Advertising of certain chips,biscuits,and cereals to children manipulates the children's minds into buying their respective products,with their product ranking bottom in the field of nutrients ,as they contain high levels of sugar and salt causing severe complications like diabetes and high blood pressure. Moving on to its effect on each child's life.
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. Young Teenagers will develop diseases at a very young age that will later affect their future lives.
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,Obesity which is a leading cause in teenagers is a root problem of other problems.
For Example
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 , a study conducted in the USA states that more than 50% of youngsters that will born within the next century will be obese.
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, Being Overweight can affect the Young generation's psychological mindset as well since studies show that a person who is obese is likely to get mental disorders
such
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 as ADHD, Anxiety issues etc.
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, A child would likely become socially awkward and won't be able to communicate efficiently with other people as they would get ashamed of their physical body. In conclusion, the causes and effects are immense of being obese in advanced colonies,So immediate action should be taken against
this
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 problem by the government and the public altogether to curb its consequences.

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task achievement
To improve task response, consider using more varied examples from different developed countries. This will add depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next one, enhancing the overall flow of your essay. Use linking words and phrases effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a complete framework for the discussion.
coherence cohesion
You presented a logical structure, separating causes and effects into different sections, which helps in understanding your points.
task achievement
The essay covers multiple causes such as unhealthy eating habits, bad parenting, and advertising influences, showing a well-rounded understanding of the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • calorie intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutritional understanding
  • overfeeding
  • convenience over nutrition
  • electronic devices
  • dietary choices
  • self-esteem
  • medical expenditure
  • academic success
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