In today's world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why is this happening? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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It is true that
appearance
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is spent amount of
money
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by
people
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who would like to have
youthful
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a youthful
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look in the modern era, In my opinion, there are two reasons behind
this
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phenomenon, and I believe that
this
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have
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has
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a negative effect on their
health
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. There are two reasons why
people
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spend their
money
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on
appearance
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to gain a youthful look.
Firstly
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, social media brings modern
people
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comparison with others
according to
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technology progress. To explain, the more
people
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are exposed to social media
such
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as
instagram
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Instagram
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and
twitter
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Twitter
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, the easier it is for them to see
people
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’s
appearance
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throughout the world, which makes them take their
appearance
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into account, which means that they would like to manage their
appearance
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by looking younger.
In addition
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, social age is likely to decrease, expanding life span
due to
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development
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the development
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of medicine.
For example
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, in the world, they get married and jobs later so
that
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apply
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most
people
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usually tend to look younger than their original age. The epidemic of preferring
youthful
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a youthful
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look has a negative effect on both mental and physical
health
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. First of all,
this
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brings them mental damage. If they don’t satisfy their changing
appearance
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after spending a lot of
money
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, not only will they be able to get stressed, but they can
also
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fall into insecurity.
Thus
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they have mental problems
such
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as depression and insomnia.
Beside
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Besides
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, they want to be
getting
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apply
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younger than before even though they spend their
money
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on
appearance
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since they will pursue endless 욕심so that they can harm their physical
health
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, giving various surgical
surgery
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surgeries
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.
To sum up
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,
this
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phenomenon has caused the proliferation of social media and the growing age of society. I think that
this
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has a negative effect on
people
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's
health
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.
Submitted by axo667377 on

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task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. Specific cases or studies can strengthen your argument and make your essay more compelling.
task achievement
Ensure your ideas are conveyed more comprehensively. Some parts of the essay are outlined well, but there could be more depth in certain arguments for better clarity.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve logical structure by organizing your arguments in a more systematic way. Consider linking your points more clearly to build a more cohesive argument.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion, establishing the main points effectively from the start.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task with relevant points on why people spend money on looking younger and considers the impact on health.
coherence cohesion
Main points are generally clear and well-supported, though additional examples could enhance the argument.
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