IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Write about the following topic: More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#topic #children #countries #effects
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Nowadays changes in our diet are causing several negative effects on our health, especially in the states with higher GDP, where youngsters are more likely to become obese in a premature age.
Therefore
, in
this
 essay, I will discuss why
this
 happens and the implications for the public sanitary system.
Overall
, in rich countries, the cost of food has been rising very sharply lately, especially for those products which are considered healthy like fruits and vegetables.
As a result
, citizens from lower classes tend to prefer junk food to save some money,
although
 it has horrible consequences for their
organism
Fix the agreement mistake
organs
show examples
. Unfortunately, children are usually fed by their parents with
this
 kind of food,
consequently
, their organs are damaged by what physicians call ''metainflammation'' increasing the risk of suffering from deadly diseases like diabetes or coronary artery disease.
In addition
,
this
 problem has effects on society as a whole.
According to
 data, if the number of obese people continues to rise, since they are hospitalized more often than those who are not, in hospitals there will not be enough space available for all patients in need, meaning not everyone will be able to receive the assistance they deserve.
Furthermore
,
this
 situation increases the costs the public sanitary system has to face, resulting in the long-term collapse of the entire economy. In conclusion,
this
 is a serious situation that needs to be solved as soon as possible. Governments should take action to resolve
this
 problem before it becomes irreversible.
For example
, a tax on products containing high levels of added sugars or fats should be implemented to
avoid
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 people from buying them.
Otherwise
, more and more children will die prematurely.
Submitted by alessandro.talese on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, mention specific studies or reports if possible.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from additional connective phrases to ensure smoother transitions between ideas.
overall structure
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, addressing the topic and summarizing the points effectively.
coherence
Main ideas are expressed clearly and there's a logical structure to the arguments presented.
task achievement
You provided a comprehensive response to the topic, discussing both causes and effects.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • calorie intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutritional understanding
  • overfeeding
  • convenience over nutrition
  • electronic devices
  • dietary choices
  • self-esteem
  • medical expenditure
  • academic success
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