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Band 5

In many countries parents worry about the amount of time their children spend watching TV and using the internet. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

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In numerous
countries
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countries,
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parents
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 are afraid of how often their children use TV or the
Internet
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. There are a lot of reasons for that.
For instance
Linking Words
, nowadays people need to work more than in the past to make a living.
Therefore
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, in order to relax after hard work, they tend to allow their
kids
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 to use phones unmonitored or turn on some series on TV. Minors get used to
such
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 an attitude and don’t want to do anything except binge-watching cartoons.
In addition
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, our world develops dramatically, so even schools and kindergartens use
educating
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educational
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 materials on the
Internet
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.
Consequently
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, when they get older, it is hard for them to chat with others in real life and make new friendships.
As a result
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, they may prefer social media to real communication. First of all, to tackle
this
Linking Words
 problem,
parents
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 ought to spend more time with their
kids
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.
For example
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, they can engage in different outdoor activities together. There are kindergartens where both
parents
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 and offspring can immerse themselves in nature, which can not only decrease the amount of time spent on the
Internet
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,
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apply
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 but
also
Linking Words
 develop vital survival skills.
Moreover
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,
usually
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usually,
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 youths spend a longer period using the
Internet
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 when they don’t have anything to do. So, Fathers and mothers should help their
kids
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 find new hobbies,
such
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 as sports, reading, dancing or singing.
To conclude
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,
although
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 in modern life
an
Correct article usage
the
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 issue of children using their gadgets too much is
significant
Add an article
a significant
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 issue because of a list of factors, like
rapid
Correct article usage
the rapid
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 advancement of technologies or
parents
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 not having enough time, there
a
Add a missing verb
are a
show examples
few simple solutions,
for instance
Linking Words
 finding new hobbies for
kids
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.

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on how schools using educational materials online contributes to children spending excessive time on the internet. This could strengthen your argument with clearer connections.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or case studies that illustrate the points you're making. This will enhance the relevance and depth of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that sums up the main point before you delve into details. This will help improve the logical structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You've done well to include an introduction and a conclusion, ensuring your essay has a clear beginning and end, which helps with overall coherence.
task achievement
You've identified some causes and solutions to the problem, directly addressing all parts of the task.
task achievement
The advice to parents on possible solutions was practical and included multiple interesting suggestions, which shows clear thinking and relevance.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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