IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
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There are many ways to prevent acquiring illnesses and diseases. Others think that governments should give their full attention to limiting the concerns in the environment and housing.
Although
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this
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 is true, I partly believe that it is not only them that have the solutions to
this
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 problem.
To begin
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 with, authorities surely can give answers to issues regarding pollution and housing problems.
First,
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public servants can increase the limitations in using cars by implementing additional days of scheme coding.
Second,
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they can build more homes for the homeless on the streets who are mainly the source of littering over the place.
As a result
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,
this
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 will decrease the amount of air pollution from exhaust fumes from vehicles and
people
Use synonyms
 can now inhale more cleaner air.
Also
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,
this
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 approach can lessen the noise pollution caused by transportation and
people
Use synonyms
 living on the streets. Aside from the given aid by the government, it should be the task of an individual to be responsible for their own health.
For example
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, one thing that they can do is watch over the meals they eat,
avoid
Correct word choice
and avoid
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 unhealthy foods to prevent being sick.
Additionally
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, they should know the importance of exercise to improve their well-being. In the end,
people
Use synonyms
 should care more about their bodies as a preventive measure not to suffer any health-related problems. In conclusion, I partly believe that providing solutions to environmental issues is the job of
people
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 in higher positions.
However
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, I think that it is
also
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 the responsibility of each person to take care of themselves in order to improve their lifestyles.
Submitted by cng123 on

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, try to address both sides of the argument more thoroughly. This will provide a complete response and show a wel-rounded understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your ideas. This will help in making your points more persuasive and demonstrate a better command over the topic.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but try expanding on them to make them even more comprehensive and convincing.
coherence cohesion
Aim for a clearer logical progression between ideas to enhance coherence. Linking your paragraphs with more transitional phrases can help achieve this.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a good introduction and conclusion, which helps frame and wrap up the argument effectively.
task achievement
The essay covers both governmental responsibilities and individual accountability, which provides a balanced view on the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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