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Band 6

Unhealthy eating has a negative effect on both individuals and the society in which they live. Some people think that the government should tax unhealthy foods while others believe that a “fat tax” is unfair and unnecessary. Discuss both these views and give your opinion

#effect #individuals #society #people #government #tax #foods #“fat #tax”
Numerous health issues in a country are affected by the way people keep their healthy diet.
This
 engages a notion of applying higher taxes on unhealthy foods,
although
 many consider
this
 as an insignificant way. I personally think that it is an effective way to deal with health problems because it can reduce the number of incidents
as well as
 the percentage of unhealthy foods being offered in public, even though some might think
this
 is too beneficial for the government and the opposite for merchants. First of all, the idea of taxing
this
 unhealthy food definitely decreases the probability of people getting health sickness.
This
 is
due to
 the
overall
 cost of that meals which is raised by the seller to maintain their sales.
As a result
, people will shift their choices to the healthier ones.
Furthermore
, a lot of merchants will think twice
to sell
Change preposition
about selling
show examples
such
 food in the street so that they can free themself from additional cost.
For instance
, when a newcomer tries to open a restaurant, they probably decide on the meals with a lower price so they can save some benefits for them.
On the contrary
, some might argue that
this
 regulation advantages the state more than the civilians who try to
make
Verb problem
do
show examples
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
business. It seems that everyone does not think the state could manage money from taxes well. They doubt that the benefit will only be applied to a few higher-ups.
Additionally
, not every seller has a lot of options in terms of what they can sell. The majority of
salesman
Fix the agreement mistake
salesmen
show examples
 are limited in resources,
therefore
 they were forced to depend on low-quality dishes.
To sum up
, I utterly believe that a robust decision should be taken by the government. Even though
this
 notion could give the state all of the profits, we need to revitalize a new habit by taxing
this
 long-term-dangerous food and
minimize
Wrong verb form
minimising
show examples
 the number of
it
Change the pronoun
its
show examples
 occurrence in the streets.
Submitted by 000silr111 on

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, incorporate more specific examples. These can help in illustrating your points more vividly and strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and use clear transition phrases to guide the reader, which will improve coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay provides a well-structured response to the prompt and presents both views effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good frame for the argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points are generally well supported by explanations, showing good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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