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Writing Samples /
Band 3

More and more people becoming seriously outweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #outweight #price #foods
It is suggested that people are getting overweight nowadays and reckon that putting a high cost on fattening
foods
 would be the best solution.
Although
 there are several positive sides
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it. I am generally opposed to it. On one hand, individuals can solve
this
 issue which is obesity by
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 the cost of cuisines which contain fats.
For instance
, if a government increases the price of
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
foods
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people are supposed to force themselves to purchase less than the normal
due to
 financial side.
This
,
furthermore
, can be excellent
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only
to reduce
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for reducing
show examples
 of people who are obese, but it can
also
 play an active role
to promote
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in promoting
show examples
 the budget of authority.
On the other hand
, making fattening products
high-valued
Correct your spelling
high-value
show examples
 can be unproductive and unbeneficial in many circumstances. Individuals
since
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 who earn less money are supposed to be may make various conflicts towards
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. What is more, another negative side of
this
 suggestion would be health problems. Because, as a person who
tended
Wrong verb form
tends
show examples
 to consume fatty
foods
, he or she may face difficulties
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 health as he or she can not afford to buy them.
Consequently
Add a comma
Consequently,
show examples
this
 may bring about to increase
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 level of
overall
 illnesses. In conclusion,
while
this
desicion
Correct your spelling
decision
 has merits, I am in favour of not solving obesity arguments by making fattening
foods
 pricey.
Submitted by Writing9 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your central argument is clear and consistent throughout. Some points seem contradictory or not fully thought out, such as suggesting health problems will increase if people can't buy unhealthy foods.
task achievement
Try to provide more detailed and specific examples to support your main arguments. This will help clarify your points and make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
Be careful with grammar and sentence structure to improve clarity and readability. While small mistakes won’t impact your overall score drastically, working on them can help convey your message more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced view by acknowledging positive aspects of the argument you disagree with, which adds depth to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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