IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #access #people’s #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
Some
people
 argue that local authorities should have
access
 to citizens' mobile calls and
messages
 for safety.
However
, I believe our activity on gadgets should stay private because individuals have rights, and government-held
data
 can be hacked.
Firstly
, personal call records should remain private to protect freedom of speech. No one should fear punishment for sharing opinions, even if they criticize local governments.
For example
, social networks
such
 as Telegram prioritize user privacy, protecting
people
 not only from hackers but
also
 from government surveillance.
Secondly
, government
data
 is at high risk of being hacked, making it unsafe to store so much information about every citizen. If hackers
access
this
data
, they could use it to break into
people
’s bank accounts and social media profiles.
This
 risk increases as
people
 often share sensitive information,
such
 as passwords, in private
messages
 with family or friends. Some
people
 argue that allowing governments to monitor
messages
 could help prevent crime or terrorism.
However
, distinguishing between real threats and casual jokes or misunderstandings is challenging. Innocent citizens might be unfairly targeted or even punished
due to
 misinterpretations, leading to unnecessary stress and legal issues. In conclusion,
while
 government
access
 to personal
messages
 may help in identifying some dangerous individuals, it risks breaching basic human rights and increases the likelihood of
data
 hacks.
Therefore
, local authorities should not have
access
 to personal calls and chats, as privacy and
data
 security are crucial in today’s digital world.
Submitted by isakov.iv1 on

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task achievement
Consider expanding on the example of platforms like Telegram by elaborating on why users trust them more than government-access systems. This would strengthen the argument for privacy.
task achievement
Ensure that the reasons against government access are deeply explored, such as providing more details on how data breaches could affect citizens' lives. This adds depth to the discussion.
task achievement
The essay presents a well-balanced discussion, effectively addressing both perspectives on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is clear, with a strong introduction and conclusion that reiterate the main stance on protecting privacy.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph clearly supports the main arguments with relevant points, maintaining a smooth flow throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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