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Writing Samples
Band 6

It is said tht money brings happiness. What is your opinion?

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It is contended that there is a direct correlation between
one
Use synonyms
's wealth and
happiness
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.
Although
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 I acknowledge the importance of
money
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 in
one
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's
overall
Linking Words
 contentment, I am of the opinion that the effect is short-term, and other factors might play more significant roles. Admittedly, there are several reasons as to why being wealthy is considered to have a positive correlation with
happiness
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.
Firstly
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, having enough
money
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 guarantees
one
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's
overall
Linking Words
 well-being. Being wealthy means that
one
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 gets a chance to consume wholesome, nutritious food.
This
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 kind of food provides much-needed fuel and prevents certain health issues,
such
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 as arterial blockage, which can be caused by the consumption of high-fat junk foods. Another positive impact of
money
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 is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 these individuals are enabled to use their currency to buy
happiness
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. Retail therapy has been proven to be
one
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 of the most appealing treatments globally. When
one
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 is at the whip of some intangible force that has ruined their day,
such
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 as
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 bad behaviour of a colleague, buying goods impulsively can help people feel they have overtaken the situation.
This
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 sense of control leads to their stress being alleviated.
On the other hand
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, in the long term, genetic factors and
one
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's beliefs have proved to be more effective. Looking at the matter in depth, genetic codes control
one
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's desires and translate their achievements into a sense of contentment, which varies among individuals. People have different goals in
life
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, accomplishing which triggers their genes to stimulate dopamine release and bring about immeasurable joy for
one
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's
life
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.
Therefore
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, genes are more important than the jeans
one
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 buys in the store. Another significant factor in
one
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's
happiness
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 is
one
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's mindset. People who believe in god or a more significant source have more faith in
life
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.
This
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 mentality enables them to overcome struggles and even consider them as divine examinations for unleashing their potential.
This
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 ultimately enables them to tackle difficulties and search for
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 in
life
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's challenges. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 can bring short-term
happiness
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 to
one
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's
life
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, genetics, and
one
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's mindset overshadow its role.

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task achievement
Consider enhancing the development of ideas with more specific examples and personal insights to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence to maintain focus and improve logical flow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, presenting a clear stance on the topic.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the role of money in happiness and the influence of other factors.
coherence cohesion
Logical organization is generally maintained throughout the essay, allowing readers to follow the arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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