IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Government should focus on spending on public services rather than on arts such as music and painting. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many governments do not want to spend the money and prefer to upgrade the public service for their
citizens
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. I completely disagree with
this
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 opinion because the
government
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 should facilitate every talent which their
citizens
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 have and
also
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 the talent they have can promote the
country
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 if they have a unique skill.
This
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 essay will explore the topic above and give a rational conclusion.
Firstly
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, It is well known that
,
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apply
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 everyone is born with different talents which not only fulfil the needs of the
people
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 but
also
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 entertain each other. To develop their skills the
citizens
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 need an adequate facility which can be provided by the
government
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.
For example
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 in Indonesia, there are a lot of really talented painters but they cannot access global exhibitions
due to
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 insufficient capital to reach them.
In other words
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, decisions to not give attention to the artists will make some of their
people
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 become useless which causes injustice because they can not show their creations which can impact their wealth. The other reason that I disagree is because they can promote the nation if the development of the internet can reach anyone without borders. The unique music or paintings which are the culture of the
country
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 can attract the attention of
people
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 from other nations.
This
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 means that the nation can be a global highlight, and because of
it
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it,
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 there are many benefits that the
government
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 can reach
such
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 as visitors to learn more about the uniqueness of a
country
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.
For instance
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, Korea has been successful in developing their film and music in their
country
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 and because of the development, there are many
people
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 interested in going to Korea for holiday or study because the
people
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 in other countries
due to
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 their work describe the culture of their nation. In Conclusion, facilitating arts gives the
government
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 more income, promotes the
country
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 and
also
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 helps to give prosperity to some
citizens
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. Proper to one aspect is not a responsibility action which can affect some artists who have talent in art.

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coherence cohesion
The essay should include more structured paragraphs with clear topic sentences to enhance the logical structure.
task achievement
Including a brief counterargument can help in providing a more balanced view of the topic.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the writer's position, which is maintained throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay effectively uses specific examples, such as the mention of Indonesia and Korea, to support the main points.
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