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Writing Samples
Band 7

The growing nuber of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health isssues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, the increasing
number
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 of overweight
people
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 has been an issue that we cannot ignore.
This
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 trend causes several problems
such
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 as putting a strain on the health care system. In response to
this
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 situation, some
people
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 state that we should introduce more physical education lessons at schools.
This
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 essay will take up
this
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 statement and give the author's opinion. First of all,
according to
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 research on the correlation between the
number
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 of overweight
people
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 in a specific area and the
number
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 of P.E. classes they had when they were students, we find that there is no correlation between those two elements, which means having more P.E. lessons in the school curriculum doesn't necessarily lead to the improvements of public health.
This
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 is because most
people
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 quit exercising after they graduate from their school.
Thus
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, the most important thing is to change their ways of thinking about their eating habits. Just offering opportunities to exercise is not enough as a means of solving the health issue. In
this
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 sense, I strongly disagree with the statement. Rather, we should provide our young generations with chances they consider their eating habits,
such
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 as making their own menu for their dinner and teaching them how their diets influence their future body.
To sum up
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, the growing
number
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 of overweight
people
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 is one of the serious problems that our society has been facing. As I mentioned above, just increasing the
number
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 of physical education classes at schools will never make the situation better. We need more opportunities that change students' minds toward their diets.

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support the claims. Including studies or statistics could strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next, and consider using more linking words to enhance the cohesion.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position and maintains it throughout the response.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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