The growing nuber of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health isssues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, the increasing
number
of overweight
people
has been an issue that we cannot ignore.
This
trend causes several problems
such
as putting a strain on the health care system. In response to
this
situation, some
people
state that we should introduce more physical education lessons at schools.
This
essay will take up
this
statement and give the author's opinion. First of all,
according to
research on the correlation between the
number
of overweight
people
in a specific area and the
number
of P.E. classes they had when they were students, we find that there is no correlation between those two elements, which means having more P.E. lessons in the school curriculum doesn't necessarily lead to the improvements of public health.
This
is because most
people
quit exercising after they graduate from their school.
Thus
, the most important thing is to change their ways of thinking about their eating habits. Just offering opportunities to exercise is not enough as a means of solving the health issue. In
this
sense, I strongly disagree with the statement. Rather, we should provide our young generations with chances they consider their eating habits,
such
as making their own menu for their dinner and teaching them how their diets influence their future body.
To sum up
, the growing
number
of overweight
people
is one of the serious problems that our society has been facing. As I mentioned above, just increasing the
number
of physical education classes at schools will never make the situation better. We need more opportunities that change students' minds toward their diets.
Submitted by m.kiyosu1997 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support the claims. Including studies or statistics could strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next, and consider using more linking words to enhance the cohesion.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position and maintains it throughout the response.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: