In order to Spend a quality life, some say, people need to have more money and some say people need free time. What do you think is important. What are the other things which are required to have a quality life?
Some argue that
quality
life
is pursued by having more money
whilst some say it is acquired by having leisure time. Personally, I think to get essential things
, people need money
that is
why it is important. Moreover
, it is also
acquired by having support systems in our circle.
First and foremost, although
not everything is about money
, it is needed to obtain access to many things
. It is because essential things
such
as healthcare and luxuries are costly and they need to afford them to gain a better life
. Besides
, they should also
have access to education which getting more expensive and with more capital, they can pursue their degree. For example
, a prestigious private university such
as Carnegie Mellon University charges $2000 a year as a tuition fee, and that means to pursue a better education, people need more financial
.
Replace the word
finances
Nonetheless
, having leisure time is also
essential. It is because it can reduce stress and also
give us space to do something for ourselves such
as hobbies or learning new things
. Furthermore
, they can use this
space to bond with their family. As a result
, it can contribute to a better quality
of life
.
Additionally
, they also
can pursue a better quality
of life
if they are surrounded by their support system. Support systems such
as family, best friends and lovers can make them safe and reduce stress because they can rely on them. Furthermore
, they also
feel company and not feel lonely and it also
increases their life
.
To conclude
, free time can contribute to the increase in quality
of life
because they can use it to be more relaxed and do their hobby. However
, having more money
is also
required to have access to better healthcare, education, and houses which are essential, thus
, I personally think that having more finances is paramount. Hence
, it is better to keep both balanced since quality
of life
can be obtained in different ways.Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on
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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to enhance the flow of your writing. Some sentences are a bit complex and can be simplified for clarity.
Task Achievement
There are a few grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrasings that, while minor, could be polished to ensure clearer communication of ideas.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific and varied examples to strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a broader understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively balances the discussion between money and free time, offering a comprehensive viewpoint.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a solid framework for the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Points about leisure time and support systems are well-explored with logical reasoning.