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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that sport in schools is a waste of time and resources, whilst others believe that sport in schools is a vital part of education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In recent years, there has been a growing debate about whether teaching
sports
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 in schools is a waste of
time
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 and resources.
While
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 some people believe that including
sports
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 in the school curriculum is unnecessary, others argue that
sports
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 play a vital role in education.
This
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 essay will discuss
both
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 views before presenting my own opinion.
Firstly
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, many people believe that
students
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 should spend more
time
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 on academic subjects.The primary reason is that academic subjects are more important for higher education and future careers.
This
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 can be explained by the fact that
Students
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 have limited
time
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 at school, so more
time
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 should be spent on mathematics, science, and languages.
For instance
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, many countries introduced modern teaching methods, which have helped
students
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 by improving their academic performance and communication skills.
Consequently
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,
students
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 achieve better academic results and have more career opportunities.
However
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, few
argues
Correct subject-verb agreement
argue
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 that
sports
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 play a vital role in
students
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'
overall
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 development. They claim that
sports
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 improve physical health, teamwork, and self-confidence. Regular exercise reduces stress and helps
students
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 maintain a healthy lifestyle. A good example of
this
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 is schools that include regular
sports
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 activities, where
students
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 develop teamwork, leadership, and communication skills.
As a result
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,
students
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 become healthier, more confident, and perform better
both
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 inside and outside the classroom. From my perspective,
sports
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 should remain part of the school curriculum because they support
both
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 physical and mental development
while
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 helping
students
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 build essential life skills.
To conclude
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,
although
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both
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 views have their own merits, I believe that
sports
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 should remain an important part of education because they contribute to
students
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' physical health, personal development, and academic success.
Overall
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,
this
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 approach would provide long-term benefits for
both
Use synonyms
 individuals and society.

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Overall score
Score: 7. This is a clear and well planned essay. To get a higher score, make your support more direct and more real.
Task response
The first example is not about sport: “many countries introduced modern teaching methods”. Use an example that shows why sport may take time or money from school work.
Task response
Give more detail for each view. For the first view, say what schools may lose, such as class time, teachers, space, or money. For the second view, explain how sport can help school work, not only health.
Task response
Your own view is clear, but it comes near the end of body 2. You can state it more strongly in the start or after both views.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear idea in each part. In body 1, the point is that school work needs time, but the example moves to new teaching methods. Make the example match the point.
Coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple cause words, such as “because”, “so”, and “this means”. Do not use link words only at the start of a sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Check small form issues that can slow the reader: add a space after full stops, write “some people argue” not “few argues”, and do not use a capital letter in “students” in the middle of a sentence.
Task response
You discuss both views and give a clear opinion. Your opinion is the same in the body and the end.
Task response
Your main ideas are on topic: school work, health, teamwork, and confidence.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Firstly”, “However”, “For instance”, and “To conclude” help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical fitness
  • Holistic development
  • Cognitive function
  • Teamwork
  • Interpersonal skills
  • Extracurricular
  • Academic achievement
  • Resource allocation
  • Curriculum
  • Inequality in opportunities
  • Life skills
  • Well-rounded education
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