IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Researchers show that overeating is as harmful as smoking. Therefore, advertising for food products should be banned in the same way as the cigarette advertising is banned in many countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#researchers #show #food #products #cigarette #countries
Overeating has been one of the serious problems in some developed countries nowadays.
According to
 some research, we find that over 90 per cent of developed countries in the world have been facing the problem of overeating. In response to
this
 situation, some people state that we need to ban advertising for
food
 products in the same way as cigarette advertising.
This
 essay considers
this
 statement and gives the author's opinion. First and foremost, eating itself is not so much unhealthy as smoking. The points are what we eat and how much amount of
food
 we have. Even if they are healthy diets, eating too much of them will cause several problems
such
 as high blood pressure and the rise of sugar in our blood.
While
 smoking will directly lead to worsening public health, eating does not necessarily make health issues happen immediately.
Therefore
, I think that stopping
food
 companies from advertising their items is an extreme option.
In addition
, there are a great number of companies selling
food
 products in the world.
Thus
, banning advertising
such
 products in the same way as cigarette advertisements will have a negative impact on not only those companies but
also
 the world's economy. In
this
 sense, I strongly disagree with the idea that we should restrict their marketing process. Rather, each local authority must introduce lessons about their diets to their citizens.
Moreover
, they can promote
food
 donations for those who cannot get enough
food
 because of a lack of money.
To sum up
, the issue of
overeating
Correct your spelling
overheating
show examples
 in some developed countries has been getting serious.
However
, banning the marketing of
food
 items is an extreme option. Each society needs to think of creating opportunities for its citizens to reconsider their way of having
food
.
Submitted by m.kiyosu1997 on

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Task Achievement
Consider including more specific examples or data to illustrate your points clearly. This would enhance your arguments and make them more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph connects logically to the next, perhaps with clearer transitional phrases. This would help maintain a smooth flow of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that clearly outline your stance on the topic.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are generally expressed clearly, showing good control of language.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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