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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Practice 2: Some people say that the government should spend more money taking care of elderly people while others think that government spending should be spent more on the education of young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#practice #people #government #money #care #education
The prosperity of a nation depends upon the policies made by
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 government. It is a common belief among
few
Correct determiner usage
some
show examples
 individuals that the administration should contribute more funds to look after the old people
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that the money should be spent
to educate
Change preposition
on educating
show examples
 teenagers. In my opinion, I personally believe that a good amount of funds could
be share
Change the verb form
be shared
show examples
 to educate the youngsters because they are the building blocks of a country.
Young
Add an article
The young
show examples
 generation can convert the misfortune of a state into a bright future. A good quality education
system
 would bring up children with unique ideas, and they learn different
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 that are beneficial for their practical life.
For instance
, Finland has spent a lot on their education,
therefore
, they have the best education
system
around
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the world.
Such
 students would be able to establish companies and firms that are helpful
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their economy. The
system
 should invest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 educating their young masses that would be fruitful for the nation.
On the other hand
,
Oldage
Correct your spelling
old
 and retired people
also
 play a crucial part in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. We could provide basic facilities to our senior citizens, so they would live a peaceful life. Health and residential funds should be raised to act upon
this
 idea,as it encourages a better quality
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
 among them. They would be treated politely
due to
 their contributions
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the nation. If they were government
employ
Replace the word
employees
show examples
then
 it is essential to give them a considerable pension. In conclusion,
whereas
, the state would facilitate their retired persons, it is more worth considering to provide
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 standard schooling
system
 for a bright future.
Submitted by kamiawan3233 on

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task achievement
Expand on the specific examples by including more detailed data or anecdotes.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to provide clear transitions between the ideas to maintain a smooth flow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all paragraphs are thoroughly aligned with the central thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that set up the discussion effectively.
task achievement
Each viewpoint is explained logically with supporting arguments.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument fairly and provides a personal opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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