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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In most countries, prison is an effective solution for the problem of crime. Some people think a more effective solution is to provide a better education. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

#countries #prison #crime #people #education #disagree？
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Recently, the issue of measures for the
crime
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 has become the subject of heated debate. Some people assert that offering
education
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 is a better way to tackle the
crime
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,
while
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 others argue
otherwise
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. Personally, I believe both views should be given equal weight. In the following essay, the evidence alongside
this
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 contention will be discussed including the relevant examples. On the one hand, it seems difficult to refute the idea that a
prison
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 law lowers the criminal rates by preventing people from involving in
crime
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. Perhaps the most principal advantage is that the criminals are isolated far from general society for several years, making them not to repeat the
crime
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. Another grave issue among
this
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 issue is that
a
Correct article usage
apply
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severe punishment
such
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 as
prison
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,
being
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and being
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 isolated from social
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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, discourage individuals
to engage
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from engaging
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 in
crime
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. To exemplify, a number of people have some kinds of fear about
prison
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. For these reasons, there
seem
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seems
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 to be a solid basis for several
of
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apply
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arguments in
favor
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favour
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 of the
prison
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.
On the other hand
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,
however
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, it does seem to be short-sighted to contend that
education
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 merely brings with its negatives. The most oft-cited argument is that
education
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 would be a fundamental measure to prevent
crime
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. If students are instilled with the harmful of the
crime
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, they will likely do so far even when they’re grown up. Seoul National University has demonstrated that if
education
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such
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 as campaign about
crime
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 were introduced as compulsory
education
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 courses, the criminal rates are anticipated to decreased by 35%, which was a significant change. Another convincing reason is that less tax money is needed in the case of
education
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. In the light of the above, I
also
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 find these persuasive. In conclusion, it is undeniable that there are various opinions about
this
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 topic.
However
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, after considering
this
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 matter in a careful manner, it can be concluded that each side has its strengths, as discussed above.
Submitted by zizi03199 on

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Structure
The introduction and conclusion are present and fairly balanced, but make sure to develop more distinct paragraphs for clearer argument separation.
Clarity
Your ideas are mostly clear and your position is addressed. Strengthen your argument by expanding on specific examples and linking back to your main point more often.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your examples directly support the point you are making. It will solidify your argument and show a stronger understanding of the topic.
Cohesion
Try to transition smoothly between ideas and paragraphs to help the reader follow your argument without confusion.
Positive
The essay addresses both perspectives of the issue, giving balanced weight to each view, which shows good evaluative skills.
Structure
Logical progression is maintained throughout most parts of the essay, indicating good planning and structure.
Task Achievement
Utilization of examples in discussing the advantages of education in crime prevention effectively demonstrates the point, though could be expanded.
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