IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Increase the price of junk food can decline the obesity among people .do you agree or disagree ?!

#price #junk #food #decline #obesity #people
Obesity is a
fast moving
Add a hyphen
fast-moving
show examples
problem
 that
facing
Wrong verb form
faces
show examples
 a lot of countries . It is believed by some
people
 that
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
 prices will solve the problems. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 l
completly
Correct your spelling
completely
 disagree with
this
 statement for two
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
.
Firstly
 ,
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 is
big
Correct article usage
a big
show examples
seriouse
Correct your spelling
serious
problem
 that
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of
people
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in wealthy
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. In fact , rich
people
 can
bay
Correct your spelling
buy
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
junk
food
 even if expensive , so the
rising
Replace the word
rise
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 price will not be
usuful
Correct your spelling
useful
 in
this
 case . What I mean just poor
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 will
affect
Wrong verb form
be affected
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 increasing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
coast
Correct your spelling
cost
show examples
 and maybe they try to eat healthy
food
 which is cheap .
Moreover
 , the major
problem
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 individual awareness . They must be aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the bad consequences of
eat
Change the verb form
eating
show examples
 fast
food
 and how it will harm their physical and mental
funcations
Correct your spelling
functions
. A study published in
Newyork
Correct your spelling
New York
show examples
 University in 2013 concluded that 90% of
people
 who eat fattening
food
 suffer from various dangerous
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
,especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rich
people
 .
Secondly
 , the government has been responsible
to provide
Change preposition
for providing
show examples
usuful
Correct your spelling
useful
wayes
Correct your spelling
ways
show examples
 to avoid the overweight
problem
 .
In addition
 , it
request
Change the verb form
requests
show examples
 to provide many
workshop
Change to a plural noun
workshops
show examples
 in different institutions
such
 as
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
,
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 and
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
. In more
detail
Add a comma
detail,
show examples
 the workshop will argue and clarify the risk of junk
food
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
Correct article usage
the healt
show examples
healt
Correct your spelling
health
heart
 of
humenben
Correct your spelling
Humber
.
Also
 , they can encourage the
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 or
people
 who commit
having
Change preposition
to having
show examples
 healthy
food
 with special
discount
Fix the agreement mistake
discounts
show examples
 or
offer
Correct subject-verb agreement
offers
show examples
 to purchase them .
For example
 government should make strict taxes
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 restaurant owner if they sell or serve fast
food
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their menu .
Threrfor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
, the authority of
country
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
 should assist
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 to be healthy and active .
To conclude
 , increasing the fee of junk
food
not
Add a missing verb
is not
show examples
suitable
Correct article usage
a suitable
show examples
 solution . I disagree with
this
 and I see
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 are a lot of useful
way
Change to a plural noun
ways
show examples
 to solve
this
 issue .
Submitted by wazraali1994 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to further develop your main points with more specific examples and illustrations.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistent use of language and improve grammatical accuracy to strengthen your arguments.
introduction conclusion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, presenting your stance effectively.
logical structure
There is an evident logical structure as you present two main arguments supporting your perspective.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: