IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Fewer people are reading books these days. Therefore we should close all libraries and use the funds for something more urgent like healthcare. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #books #libraries #funds #healthcare
It is suggested that
libraries
 be closed and the funds allocated for these
libraries
 be redirected to more urgent fields
such
 as
healthcare
 given the fact that the number of
people
 reading books has declined these days.
Although
this
 proposal proves significant to some extent, I am of the opinion that
libraries
 are still of great importance with numerous benefits
bringing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to society. There is, admittedly, much to be said about reallocating
money
 for medicine
instead
 of
libraries
. The advancements in technology have brought much convenience to the world. One of them is enabling
people
 to access information without physical engagement, making physical
libraries
 less significant as online
libraries
 on the internet have replaced them. Since the information is available online,
money
 used for construction and sources of physical
libraries
 had better be spent on more essential areas.
Moreover
, in poor parts of the world,
people
 are more in need of medical treatment than
libraries
.
Therefore
, directing funds to medical fields can be more beneficial in
this
 regard. Having said that, I am still in favour of not putting closures on
libraries
due to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 advantages
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, especially in the long term, one of which is that
libraries
 are still greatly valued in some poor countries where the internet is not accessible.
Libraries
 give equal access to information in
such
 places. If
libraries
 are closed, the literacy levels of
people
 in poor countries will diminish, bringing about the crisis of nations. Not
merely
Rephrase
only
show examples
 do
libraries
 supply equal access to the world, but it is of more significance to
healthcare
.
Although
 spending
money
 on
healthcare
 can meet
people
's meets in the short term, directing that
money
 to
libraries
 is more efficient in the
long-term
Correct word choice
long
show examples
 period. Literate
people
 are aware of how to give first aid,
for example
.
Hence
,
libraries
 still hold great importance in societies. In conclusion,
while
 there may be suggestions for reallocating funds from
libraries
 to more immediate needs like
healthcare
,
libraries
 serve crucial educational and social roles that cannot be replaced by any other means of sources.
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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. While you mention technology and healthcare, specific statistics or case studies could enhance your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next to strengthen coherence. This can be achieved by using more transitional phrases.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view with well-articulated points on both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion, providing clear context and a strong closing statement.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure, with each paragraph dedicated to a distinct point of view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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