IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
Recently, in various nations, the population is composed of a higher
number
 of young
adults
 than older people.
Although
this
 is a worrying situation
due to
 the shortage of wisdom on a demographic level, I fully believe that the economic advantages will be more beneficial for society.
Firstly
, the main problem with an abundance of younger
adults
 compared to older ones is the lack of insights and experience. Older individuals often are a vast reservoir of knowledge
that is
 essential for many processes in modern society.
For example
, the population of Japan is very old, but they have a lot of experience in many areas,
such
 as farming, manufacturing, banking, and IT.
As a result
, they provide many invaluable insights during their work, which boost the nation’s efficiency in those areas.
Nevertheless
, I believe that a higher
number
 of
adults
 in a country is better because of the economic benefits. A nation’s workforce, which is represented mainly by the
number
 of young
adults
, is an important financial resource for its survival and growth . It aids market growth by increasing the demand for goods, which in turn aids local companies to grow.
For instance
,
Indian
Add an article
the Indian
show examples
 population is comprised mainly of young
adults
;
therefore
, the nation is experiencing an economic boom
due to
 the abundance of manpower.
This
 demonstrates how a higher
number
 of young
adults
 has positive impacts on society. In summary,
while
 a high amount of young
adults
 compared to older people is a negative circumstance because of the deficit in the
overall
 experience in a nation, I believe that it is widely compensated thanks to the excellent economic prospects.
Submitted by kevinwang9000 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the clarity and fluency of your ideas. Although your examples are relevant, ensuring smoother transition between them can improve overall coherence.
task achievement
Make sure that all the main points are thoroughly supported by clear explanations or evidence. This will provide greater depth and strength to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured, effectively setting the stage and wrapping up the argument.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples that effectively support your main points, such as referencing Japan and India's demographic situations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: