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Band 7.5

Childhood obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. What are the primary causes of this? What measure should be taken to reduce childhood obesity?

#childhood #obesity #years #measure
Obesity can be the root of other diseases
such
 as diabetes and heart attack. It is vital to maintain
children
’s fitness to prevent them from becoming obese. In
this
 essay,
firstly
, I will elaborate on the major causes of
children
’s obesity, and
then
 delve through the potential solutions. Examining the potential issues, nowadays, there is a variety of fast food restaurants that provide high-calorie dishes
such
 as burgers, fried chicken, and pizzas.
Additionally
, there is a decrease in the number of youngsters spending their time on physical activities compared to 20 years ago. These
children
 prefer to spend their time participating in online games rather than doing exercises.
Moreover
,
parents
also
 contribute to hampering these issues, it is because there is a dwindling trend of
parents
 preparing healthy foods for their
children
. These
parents
 prefer to give daily pocket money for
children
 to buy food and beverages in their schools’ canteen. There are several initiatives that can be done to lower
children
’s obesity cases.
Firstly
, the government can initiate a health food program in each school.
For instance
, the Indonesian government has initiated a program called Makan Siang Gratis,
This
 program provides free lunch for elementary and junior high schools across Indonesia. The lunch packages are meticulously designed by considering their nutritional value.
Secondly
,
parents
also
 can assign their
children
 to an international school because
this
 school usually has its own professional chefs and nutritionists. At its core, in solving these issues, a continuous collaboration between the government and
parents
 is required.
Submitted by manapapuja2 on

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task achievement
There should be more examples or evidence to support why parents give money instead of preparing meals at home, as it simply concludes with opinion rather than data.
coherence cohesion
Improve the transitions between paragraphs to allow your essay to flow more smoothly from point to point.
task achievement
The essay presents clear ideas for the causes and solutions to childhood obesity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is strong and leads well into the body of the essay, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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