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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #years #effects #trend
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It is considered that there
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 a 20% increase in overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in Western society in the
last
Linking Words
 decade.In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss the cause of the increasing number of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 and possible solutions to
this
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 problem. Starting with the reasons for sprouting overweight
children
Use synonyms
,
firstly
Linking Words
 the use of unhealthy eating behaviours.In Western societies,
children
Use synonyms
 prefer to consume fast
food
Use synonyms
 mostly which consists of cheese, sugar and salt.
However
Linking Words
, these foods can be quickly obtained, inexpensive and easily available so consuming excessive amounts of saturated
food
Use synonyms
 leads to obesity and severe health issues
such
Linking Words
 as respiratory problems.
Secondly
Linking Words
, not involved in physical activities
in other words
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 spend most of their time watching TV, playing games online and studying
for example
Linking Words
, eating cheez burger accumulates fats in
children
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.
Thus
Linking Words
 prolonged eating of fatty
food
Use synonyms
 impacts
children
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's health.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, parents should be trained to engage their
children
Use synonyms
 in any fitness activity
such
Linking Words
 as cycling, walking for an hour and specifically joining a gym so that they can control their weight and keep themselves safe and sound
similarly
Linking Words
 guardians can compel their
children
Use synonyms
 to play different physical games with their peers in the playground.
on the other hand
Linking Words
, the government should run awareness programmes
for instance
Linking Words
, Exercise programmes shown on the television including training and usage of equipment so
this
Linking Words
 training helps
children
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 to lose their weight and improve their wellbeing.
Therefore
Linking Words
 precautions should be given to
children
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 eating
food
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.
To sum up
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, being overweight has negative effects on
children
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's strength and
overall
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 performance that's why
children
Use synonyms
 should be trained to keep themselves physically active.
Submitted by madihaali8470 on

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task achievement
Consider expanding on the causes and effects of overweight children to demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Try to use linking words and phrases more effectively to create smooth transitions between your points.
task achievement
Include more precise examples or statistics to support your arguments and make your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Clarify some phrases for a clearer understanding, such as "sprouting overweight children."
coherence cohesion
The essay provides an introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion effectively.
task achievement
The ideas on parental involvement and government programs as solutions are insightful and provide practical solutions to the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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