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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many professional sports, there is an increase in the number of athletes using banned substances to improve their performance. What are the causes of the phenomenon and what are some of the possible solutions?

#sports #athletes #substances #performance #phenomenon
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Consumption of
drugs
 that enhance an athlete’s endurance and stamina
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 on the rise, especially
with
Change preposition
among
show examples
 sportsmen and women who participate in prominent events
such
 as the Olympics. In
this
 essay, I will delve into some of the reasons
as to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
why
this
 happens and plausible ways to prevent
such
 unethical acts. With any sporting event, spectators are an integral part of it. We
also
 need to understand that personal glory is desired by human beings at some point in time of their life. It is no different that professionals in sporting careers feel that way. One of the possible reasons why these
drugs
 are on the rise is
due to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 sense of superiority that the athlete gains when winning an event. Another reason perhaps could be peer pressure from the respective sporting committees to win and upkeep the pride of the nation. Sometimes an athlete is insufficiently remunerated to compete in these events.
Hence
 the motive to be financially stable is another factor.
Although
 the above social reasons are valid, we should not forget the addiction aspect of these
drugs
.
Due to
 the fact that the participant gets a sense of superpower and
God like
Add a hyphen
God-like
show examples
 status, they succumb to the consumption without the thought of side effects. The easy access to these
drugs
 on the black market is another reason why these unethical acts are on the rise. There are numerous ways in which we can deter
this
 act. Primarily, more stringent and frequent testing standards by event organizers will help. A moderate and healthy level of competition instilled by the coaches would ease some of
stress
Add an article
the stress
show examples
 that leads to the athlete’s desire to consume. Even though the salaries for these professionals are varied, adequate remuneration will help mitigate
this
 problem.
Further
 development of law enforcement to curb
illegal
Add an article
the illegal
show examples
 sale of
such
drugs
 will
also
 alleviate the issue. In conclusion, perhaps one or multiple factors stated above might encourage a sportsperson to use banned
drugs
. But in my belief, if any one of the resolutions are put in effect we may notice a reduction in
such
 behavior.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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task achievement
Include more specific examples or evidence to support your points, especially when discussing the reasons behind drug use in sports. This will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph flows smoothly with clear transitions to enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a strong introduction and conclusion, which neatly frame the discussion.
task achievement
You have identified several relevant causes and potential solutions to the issue of banned substance use in sports, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs)
  • Doping
  • Anti-doping regulations
  • Detection methods
  • Ban substances
  • Ethical issues
  • Health risks
  • Fair play
  • Sportsmanship
  • Stakes
  • Pressure to succeed
  • Enforcement
  • Awareness programs
  • Testing frequency
  • Entourage
  • Science advancement
  • Financial gains
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