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Band 6

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases #development
A variety of technologies has been thriving rapidly, which can be used as surveillance tools because they easily detect shapes, movements, voices, and more.
This
 improvement can lead to beneficial or disastrous outcomes. Personally, I believe that the benefits of advanced technologies will overcome the drawbacks. It is evident that there are some drawbacks, which can greatly affect
people
’s lives.
Firstly
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 will be less privacy because personal information or activities can be seen clearly by others.
Thus
, they can access them thoroughly without being noticed using various devices.
Secondly
,
people
 will become more anxious as they are being watched by someone continuously, which makes them scared to do their routines or create a high-trust issue
to
Change preposition
with
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 others.
However
, the benefits must be considered as well.
This
 improvement can make
people
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more cautious about how they act and aware of their surroundings, which builds
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good self-control in them.
Therefore
,
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
crimes need to be reconsidered beforehand since they can be caught quickly.
As a result
, the number of crimes will decrease gradually,
while
 the monitoring technologies significantly enhance and are being used widely. In fact, some
people
 would feel more safe and grateful because crimes can be avoided and they can have a peaceful life without feeling worried. To summarize, the benefits of utilizing monitoring tools will exceed the drawbacks
such
 as less privacy and
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more
wary
Replace the word
wariness
show examples
 as
people
 can be more careful and sensible in maintaining their actions, impacting the reduced crime number, which would create safe circumstances for societies..
Submitted by hanalyaa29 on

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, consider providing more relevant and specific examples. This could involve citing particular instances where surveillance has benefited public safety or illustrating personal experiences related to privacy concerns.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that the main points in your essay are consistently supported with clear and logical evidence. Some sections lack detailed evidence for the claims made, which could strengthen your argument significantly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument and summarizing the main points clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your argument is generally well-structured and logically presented, making it easy for the reader to follow your train of thought.
task achievement
You address both sides of the issue comprehensively, acknowledging the potential disadvantages while making a strong case for the advantages. This balance is commendable and enhances your task achievement score.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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