Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases #development

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A variety of technologies has been thriving rapidly, which can be used as surveillance tools because they easily detect shapes, movements, voices, and more.

This

improvement can lead to beneficial or disastrous outcomes. Personally, I believe that the benefits of advanced technologies will overcome the drawbacks. It is evident that there are some drawbacks, which can greatly affect

people

’s lives.

Firstly

Correct pronoun usage

there

show examples

will be less privacy because personal information or activities can be seen clearly by others.

Thus

, they can access them thoroughly without being noticed using various devices.

Secondly

people

will become more anxious as they are being watched by someone continuously, which makes them scared to do their routines or create a high-trust issue

Change preposition

with

show examples

others.

However

, the benefits must be considered as well.

This

improvement can make

people

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

more cautious about how they act and aware of their surroundings, which builds

Remove the article

apply

show examples

good self-control in them.

Therefore

doing

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

crimes need to be reconsidered beforehand since they can be caught quickly.

As a result

, the number of crimes will decrease gradually,

while

the monitoring technologies significantly enhance and are being used widely. In fact, some

people

would feel more safe and grateful because crimes can be avoided and they can have a peaceful life without feeling worried. To summarize, the benefits of utilizing monitoring tools will exceed the drawbacks

such

as less privacy and

Unnecessary verb

apply

show examples

wary

Replace the word

wariness

show examples

people

can be more careful and sensible in maintaining their actions, impacting the reduced crime number, which would create safe circumstances for societies..

Submitted by hanalyaa29 on Sun Nov 03 2024

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task achievement

To enhance task achievement, consider providing more relevant and specific examples. This could involve citing particular instances where surveillance has benefited public safety or illustrating personal experiences related to privacy concerns.

coherence cohesion

For coherence and cohesion, ensure that the main points in your essay are consistently supported with clear and logical evidence. Some sections lack detailed evidence for the claims made, which could strengthen your argument significantly.

coherence cohesion

The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument and summarizing the main points clearly.

coherence cohesion

Your argument is generally well-structured and logically presented, making it easy for the reader to follow your train of thought.

task achievement

You address both sides of the issue comprehensively, acknowledging the potential disadvantages while making a strong case for the advantages. This balance is commendable and enhances your task achievement score.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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9
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 5.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 5.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

254 words

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Art is considered an important part of a society as well as an expression of its culture. Do you think it is important for children to be taught art? Do you think children should be encouraged to focus on art rather than other subjects?

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

Some people think that international car-free day will help in reducing fuel usage and air pollution. Others believe there is an effective alternative to this. To what extent do you agree with this opinion?