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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In our modern day and age, some
people
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 think that a person's value in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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 depends on the expensive objects to which social class they belong .
While
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 others believe that
people
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 who hold higher moral traits are better members of
society
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss these points of view and give my opinion. Most
people
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 today use social media which shows the shiny and happy sides of rich, famous individuals.
This
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 has led naive youngsters to believe that being materialistic and well-known in
society
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 means success.
For instance
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, in South Korea,more than twenty million
people
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 follow a famous model who promotes high-end brands' products for a living ,
while
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 expensive, lavish lifestyle.
Furthermore
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, it is commonly thought that a football player or an artist is likely to be known in
society
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 and own and own expensive clothes compared to a scientist.
However
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,
while
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 having a higher social status and being wealthy can be considered forms of success, having moral values and higher social traits are essential elements for a well-developed
society
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. As
such
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, being honest in daily encounters with other members of the community promotes trust which in turn strengthens
this
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 community.
For example
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, studies found that
people
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 who are honest, kind and trustworthy tend to have healthy personal relationships and thriving careers.
In addition
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, individuals seek personal and financial interactions with
people
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 who are known to have good personal traits. In conclusion,
while
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 fame and high status are set by
society
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 as a measure for favourable outcomes, traditional moral values hold higher grounds in our day-to-day interactions and interpersonal exchanges.
Thus
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, it is vital to teach youngsters that not everything that shines is gold and the value of a person lies beyond their wealth and social status.

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coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next, possibly adding linkers to guide the reader more seamlessly. This could improve the coherence and cohesion score.
task achievement
Expand on the conclusion a little more to reiterate your main points clearly. This would help reinforce your task response score.
task achievement
Although your essay covers the main points, adding one more specific example could make it stronger and improve the task response.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task statement, presenting both sides of the argument and a personal opinion, thus achieving the task well.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure with a good introduction, body, and conclusion, contributing positively to coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The inclusion of specific examples, such as the reference to South Korea and studies on personal relationships, strengthens your points well.
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