IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

improving work condition or dont do antthing ? disciess both view tell your own

#work #condition #dont #disciess
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There is a considerable discussion around the work conditions.
while
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 some
people
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 argue that we have to accept them, others contend that we should try to change the conditions. I overwhelmingly agree with the first mindset. Enhanced productivity is one of the most prominent aspects of improving the condition of workers, which is a common belief among the majority of
people
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. They acclaim that a better environment can encourage the employees to work hard until achieve their goals of upward mobility, particularly when they know that their effort is well recognized and valued, they become more motivated to thrive in their field.
Moreover
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, it helps them to tackle a diverse range of challenges that they have more efficiently. In
such
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 an environment where
people
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 feel that their presence is useful, and trying to share their unique insights with others which, plays like a catalyst in handling tough times. I firmly believe that
,
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apply
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 peace of mind is another
part
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 of it. In a place where
people
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 have the right condition and they only focus on themself,
instead
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 of a
lot
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 of distractions these days are available they become calmer and relaxed that they are on the right path.
Moreover
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, it significantly reduces the huge number of trends and stresses that affect their well-being. Another way is when
people
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 know that in their workplace there will be someone who cover them or they can rely on that person they will not worry about the additional things that they have which, can lead to significant growth in both of personal and professional lives. let’s consider a new company as an example that prepares a
lot
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 of plans to relax their employees in their journey, it will definitely get a better place than other competitors. Some
people
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 argue that in order to avoid a
lot
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 of challenges it's better to deal with the current condition. it’s just a little
part
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 of our lives. l completely rejects
this
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 mindset. it's true that we only spend a
part
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 of our life there but it can create a
lot
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 of damage that we can not cover quickly and should not overlook,
due to
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 the positive impacts of them in over mental well-being, which leads to depression or heart attack. In conclusion, our job is
part
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 of our lives and we spend a significant amount of our time there. by trying to enhance it we can ensure that everything runs smoothly.
Submitted by homa.nazrmian56 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion, try to start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence. This will help structure your argument more clearly for the reader.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and that each main point is supported by an example or explanation to make your argument more convincing and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Consider varying sentence structure and vocabulary to enhance readability and engagement, which can also help in presenting a more sophisticated argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a solid framework for discussing the topic.
task achievement
There is a clear stance taken in the essay which is maintained throughout, reflecting a complete response to the task.
task achievement
The argument about the benefits of improved working conditions on productivity and well-being is made convincingly with several supportive points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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