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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

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Many people, and children
in particular
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, enjoy playing computer
games
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 all day long.
While
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 some people argue that it brings some advantages
on
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to
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 users, I believe that they are more likely to have a harmful impact. On the one hand, I accept that video
games
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 can be both entertaining and educational. Users are transported into virtual words which are more exciting and engaging than real-life pastimes. From an educational perspective, these
games
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 encourage concentration, imagination and creativity
as well as
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 logical thinking and
problem solving
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problem-solving
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, which are useful skills outside the gaming context.
Moreover
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, computer
games
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 can improve users' motor skills and help to prepare them for real-world tasks
such
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 as flying a plane.
However
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, I would argue that these benefits are outweighed by the drawbacks. Gaming can be highly addictive because gamers are constantly given scores, new targets, and frequent rewards to keep them playing.
For instance
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, many children now spend hours each day trying to progress through the levels of a game or to get a higher score than their friends.
This
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 type of addiction could have bad
effect
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effects
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 ranging from lack of sleep to problems at school.
As a result
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, they would sacrifice their
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
 for a few more hours on the computer.
Furthermore
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, the rise of obesity has been linked to the sedentary lifestyle and lack of exercise that often
accompany
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accompanies
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 gaming addiction. In conclusion, it seems to me that the potential dangers of video
games
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 like addiction and
obese
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obesity
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 are more significant than the possible benefits.

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task achievement
Your essay effectively covers the topic and provides a balanced discussion. To further improve, consider elaborating more on the examples and expanding on the 'education' aspect of video games.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While your paragraphs are well-structured, a few more linking phrases might improve the flow.
grammar
Avoid minor grammatical mistakes and typos, such as 'worlds' instead of 'words' and 'homework' instead of 'homeworks'.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument effectively.
task achievement
You provided a balanced view, presenting both the pros and cons of video games before concluding with your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are well-organized and the essay follows a logical structure that is easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • multiplayer games
  • social skills
  • teamwork
  • communication
  • collaboration
  • interactive learning
  • gaming addiction
  • academic performance
  • violence desensitization
  • aggressive behavior
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • health issues
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