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Band 6

Some people claim that immigrants should adopt the local culture when immigrating to a new country. While others think that they can establish a minority community instead. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #immigrants #culture #country #minority #community
Adapting to local culture has been a topic of debate,
while
 some individuals believe that
people
 who immigrate to a new country should accept the local culture, others do not oppose
this
 view, both argument sides notice notable points, which will be discussed and
then
 I will present my view.
Firstly
,
people
 who immigrate to another country, not only might face cultural shock but can
also
 feel a sense of personal isolation. so, it is paramount of importance for those who immigrate to a new country to make an effort to communicate with other native citizens
This
 will lead to gaining new experiences and getting familiar with local
cultures
. A prime illustration of
this
 is a college student, who moved abroad to achieve a higher degree. if
this
 person cannot match with the new local culture and make new friends, they will become depressed and not be successful in their lessons.
On the other hand
, some
people
 would argue that immigration
people
 need to establish a quite bit of community to maintain their traditional
cultures
, which will lead to various promotions.
in other words
,
this
 community can offer significant benefits for both
people
 and societies.
Therefore
,
this
 trend not only can help migrating
people
 boost their personal growth but can
also
 encourage them to introduce their
cultures
 to native
people
. Take the United States as an example where there are a variety of different
communities
such
 as China's
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
 and in
this
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
people
 who come from China are living with their traditional
cultures
, leading to great opportunities for societies to attract visitors and tourists, in order to earn money. In conclusion,
although
 joining new
communities
 and
cultures
 has led to dramatic benefits
such
 as improving personal growth and gaining new experiences, some
people
 argue that immigrants should exert a lot of progress to make local
communities
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
maintain their
cultures
. I strongly advocate
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the second view that making local and small
communities
 can lead to inherent benefits for both
people
 and societies.
Submitted by eskandari.mahanz66 on

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, make sure to clearly differentiate between the two views more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion, emphasizing your stance clearly.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence for each point you make to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, make sure each paragraph follows logically from the next, possibly by using more linking words to make connections between ideas clearer.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a good structure to your writing.
task achievement
You've provided some relevant examples, such as the college student and the United States, which help to illustrate your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • adopt the local culture
  • integrate
  • social customs
  • mutual respect
  • cultural clashes
  • minority community
  • cultural diversity
  • emotional support
  • mental health
  • multicultural society
  • harmonious coexistence
  • heritage
  • social acceptance
  • cultural practices
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