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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The shown Line graph below illustrates the condition of participation by club members to different courses.

The shown Line graph below illustrates the condition of participation by club members to different courses.
#line #condition #participation #club #members #courses
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The given line graph provides information about
percentage
Add an article
the percentage
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 of club members’ participation
to
Change preposition
in
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 three types of courses.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the data were recorded over the 20-year period from the year 1995 to 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is observed upward trend in two courses until 2010, namely
team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
 and gym
activities
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 in swimming we
see
Wrong verb form
saw
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 a significant decrease until 2010, which means it was less popular among these three
activities
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, 50% of club members
were going
Wrong verb form
went
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 swimming in 1995 and
this
Linking Words
 figure
was dwindling
Wrong verb form
dwindled
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 to 15% until 2010 and stayed the same
during
Change preposition
for
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 5 years,
while
Linking Words
 we notice
the
Correct article usage
an
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 identical trend in
team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
 from 2010 to 2015. Looking at
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
show examples
details
Fix the agreement mistake
detail
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,
team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
 and gym
activities
Use synonyms
 showed
increasing
Add an article
an increasing
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 trend, which meant people had more interest in these areas. After 2010,
in
Change preposition
apply
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team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
 participation declined to 32% from 40% until 2015.
In contrast
Linking Words
, in gym
Use synonyms
activities
Add a comma
activities,
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 the figure stopped at 27% in the
last
Linking Words
 5 years.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words team, sports, activities with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • illustrates
  • condition
  • participation
  • club members
  • courses
  • line graph
  • levels
  • fluctuated
  • overall
  • number of participants
  • observed
  • dance course
  • initial
  • increase
  • end of the period
  • lowest
  • art course
  • declining
  • gradually
  • music course
  • witnessed
  • relatively stable
  • hovering
  • conclusion
  • demonstrates
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