IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think it is more important for govemment to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #govemment #money #lifestyle #illness #treatment
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Without a doubt, the
government
 plays an important role in vital social issues like health subject.
While
 it is argued that the authorities need to spend the public budget to increase healthy lifestyles within society, I firmly agree it is crucial that the budget be spent to cure sick individuals. On the one hand, I concede that the
government
 must allocate a particular amount of
money
 to incentivise the crowd to have a healthy lifestyle, the problem is that
this
 particular lifestyle depends more on
people
's attitudes and willingness. The
government
 should implement some strategies to reduce the price of healthy stuff
instead
 of wasting
money
 on doing vain activities
such
 as providing health-related programs on TV that most of the time do not have many fans.
Moreover
,
people
 could be able to search for healthy lifestyles with no need to spend
money
 if they really wanted regardless of the
government
.
On the other hand
, certain
people
 in medical centres need emergency help to not only reduce the pain but
also
 to continue their life careers. In my opinion, the
government
 must spend public
money
 to assist these sick individuals to rescue them from death. Chemotherapy,
for example
, is a common way of treating many cancers which involves too much price. Unfortunately, some patients may die
due to
 a lack of
money
 to spend on to cure.
Nevertheless
, the
government
 should put a large amount of
money
 into saving patients' souls.
In addition
, society ought to help authorities by donations.
Furthermore
, In my opinion, it is noteworthy that sick
people
 are vulnerable and suffer from relentless pain.
However
, ordinary individuals are highly unlikely to need financial help for healthcare. All being said,
although
 it is claimed that the
government
 needs to spend a social budget to encourage the crowds to have healthy lifestyles
instead
 of curing patients, I wholeheartedly believe that sick
people
 need urgent financial help to be rescued from death and have a chance to have an ordinary life.
Submitted by Maral.qanbarii1992 on

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task achievement
The introduction is clear, but more depth could provide a better setup for the essay. Explain briefly what you will discuss in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
While you provide logical points, adding further real-life examples and more detailed explanations will strengthen your essay. For example, mention specific programs or policies that have succeeded or failed in the past.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea, and use transition words like 'Additionally,' 'In contrast,' and 'Therefore' to improve the flow of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay's ideas are connected fairly well, but some transitions between paragraphs and between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. Work on linking sentences more cohesively.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing clear framing for the essay.
task achievement
The essay makes a clear argument and maintains focus on government health spending throughout.
task achievement
Specific examples, such as mentioning chemotherapy, help to illustrate points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • burden on healthcare systems
  • overall costs
  • enhance citizens' quality of life
  • health disparities
  • equitable resources
  • underserved communities
  • chronic diseases
  • personal responsibility
  • proactive approach
  • underfund treatment
  • immediate needs
  • balanced approach
  • prioritizing prevention and treatment
  • healthy population
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