IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The following pie charts show the use of social media by men and women in Australia in 2011 and 2014.

The following pie charts show the use of social media by men and women in Australia in 2011 and 2014.
The two pie charts illustrate both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 of
Australia
Correct your spelling
Australian
show examples
resident
Fix the agreement mistake
residents
show examples
how
Correct word choice
and how
show examples
 much
Use synonyms
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
 in the years 2011 and 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, at the beginning of the period, the biggest proportion was made by
men
Use synonyms
 who never
use
Use synonyms
 social
media
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 males who used online websites once
Use synonyms
week
Add an article
a week
show examples
 made the smallest portion of
chart
Add an article
the chart
show examples
. In
meantime
Correct article usage
the meantime
show examples
, women's
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 of once a
week
Use synonyms
 contributed
large
Correct article usage
a large
show examples
 portion
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
when
Correct word choice
while
show examples
 the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of females who never utilized social
media
Use synonyms
 made up the smallest part of
chart
Add an article
the chart
show examples
. In 2011, the number of
men
Use synonyms
 who utilized social
media
Use synonyms
 every day was only 25%, but
I
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 rose nearly twofold(to 45%) in 2014.
Although
Linking Words
 males who never
use
Use synonyms
 social websites topped to list with 44% in 2011, it dropped by 14% in the next
4yaers
Correct your spelling
4 years
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, social
media
Use synonyms
used
Add a missing verb
is used
show examples
 by 12% and 19%
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
men
Use synonyms
, once a
week
Use synonyms
 and
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 times a
week
Use synonyms
 respectively. And, by 2014, both figures dropped; 16% of
men
Use synonyms
 used social
media
Use synonyms
 sometimes a
week
Use synonyms
 and one time a
week
Use synonyms
 users accounted for 9%. In
women's
Correct article usage
the women's
show examples
 category, users who utilize rarely a
week
Use synonyms
 made up 22% in 2011 and it dipped to 9% in 2014,
while
Linking Words
never
Correct article usage
the never
show examples
 proportion rose to 22% from 8%. In the year of 2011,
females'
Correct article usage
the females'
show examples
 rate who
Use synonyms
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 social
media
Use synonyms
 once a
week
Use synonyms
 was 39% and
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 declined to 10% in 2014.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 all days of
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the week
show examples
week
Add a comma
week,
show examples
 users stood at 30% and climbed by 29%, by 2014

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words use, media, men, week with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: