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Writing Samples
Band 6

As the number of working mothers is increasing,some people say that it is impossible for them to be effective at work and home at the same time.To what extent do you agree.

#mothers #people #work #home #time
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Nowadays,the world is changing.One-way income from the husband does not seem sufficient for the whole family anymore ,resulting in females finding another career to support their husbands.
That is
 to say,some women have to
work
 corresponding with
being
Wrong verb form
be
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a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
.There is an inconclusive debate as to whether doing two jobs at the same time is effective.From my perspective,I agree that the majority of people do
this
 without any help resulting in a lower quality outcome in
both
 places.
To begin
 with,Any mother is willing to sacrifice herself for her
children
.
In other words
,If she wants her offspring to be raised effectively,she will have to take care of her
children
 continuously for 24 hours without a break.
Children
 with different upbringings especially,in their early years of life seem to grow up to be different persons.
Thus
,in order to do that,mothers cannot have a full capacity at
work
.
Additionally
,
due to
 technological advancement and a lot of competition at
work
,they might find that it is tremendously difficult to compete with
both
 robots and co-workers.
On the other hand
,Critics argue that with additional help from their own family or nanny ,it is possible to accomplish
both
 places.In simple terms,if their family
such
 as their grandparents who have already retired can look up to their grandchildren in the daytime
while
 mothers go to
work
,it will loosen many burdens.
Also
,they can hire a professional caretaker for their
children
 if they can afford it.
Finally
,Most companies today have maternity leave which allows women to look after their babies in a few months.After that critical period,a baby will no longer require an aggressive foster. In conclusion,having excellent performance in
both
work
 and home is substantially arduous.
However
,these days mothers usually have leverage from their family,nanny or welfare
such
 as maternal leave.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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task achievement
Enhance clarity by providing more specific examples and details to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Concentrate on linking paragraphs more effectively to enhance the logical progression of ideas.
task achievement
Address counterarguments more thoroughly to demonstrate a full understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a satisfactory framework for the argument.
task achievement
You effectively acknowledge both sides of the argument, considering both supporting and opposing viewpoints, which reflects a balanced approach.
task achievement
The topic is relevant and well-introduced, capturing the current socio-economic context effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • time management
  • prioritization
  • stereotype
  • dual roles
  • support systems
  • child care services
  • flexible hours
  • remote work options
  • parenting responsibilities
  • technological advancements
  • societal norms
  • maternity leave
  • family-friendly workplace cultures
  • productivity
  • retention rates
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