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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table and charts provide data on doctors in Australia between 1986 and 2006.

The table and charts provide data on doctors in Australia between 1986 and 2006.
#data #doctors #australia
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The table illustrates
thr
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the
 amount of people who
work
Wrong verb form
worked
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 as
doctor
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doctors
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 in Australia in the years 1986,1996 and 2006,
while
Linking Words
 the bar charts compare the gender and place of birth in terms of categories who were born in Australia and those who were born overseas in the same years. In detail,the number of doctors stood at 23,720 in the initial
year
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the rate which was observed in the
year
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 2006 was the largest(35,450).By the
year
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 1996,the rate increased to 29,000,
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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 more than in the first
year
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. Focusing on
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
a proportion
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 of
male
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males
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,it
wtnessed
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witnessed
highly
Change the word
high
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percentagewises
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percentage
through
Change preposition
throughout
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 all
years
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the years
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,starting with 75% in the beginning
year
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,
while
Linking Words
female's
Correct article usage
the female's
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 rate levelled at 25%.
Then
Linking Words
,
gender
Correct article usage
the gender
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 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 showed a slight decrease by 65% in 1996,accounting for 60% in the
last
Linking Words
year
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.In comparison,
female
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the female
show examples
 gender experienced a noticeable growth
by
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of
show examples
 40% in the final
year
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. When it comes to considering
about
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apply
show examples
place of birth,it is observed that there were more Australian doctors made up 62%,
although
Linking Words
 the number of non-Australian physicians stood at the lowest level (35%) over the period.
However
Linking Words
,
bh
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by
 the next
year
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, Australians' trend declined unexpectedly to 59%,
while
Linking Words
 other
category
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categories
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 showed an upward trend
by
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of
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 42%.
Finally
Linking Words
,the trends of both
group
Change to a plural noun
groups
show examples
 of doctors were at the same levels in 2006,standing at 50%.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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