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Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart shows the changes of percentage of people born inside and outside of Australia live in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The chart shows the changes of percentage of people born inside and outside of Australia live in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
#changes #percentage #people #australia #town
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The chart presents the percentage of
people
Use synonyms
 in
Australia
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 who were born in
cities
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,
towns
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, or rural
areas
Use synonyms
 by comparing them
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
between two consecutive years, 1995 and 2010.
In addition
Linking Words
, the chart
also
Linking Words
differenciate
Correct your spelling
differentiate
 the
people
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at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside or inside
Australia
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Overall
Linking Words
, there is the same trend through the years between 1995 and 2010. Either
people
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 who
was
Change the verb form
were
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 born inside the
country
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 or in other countries, dominantly, they were born in
cities
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.
Towns
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 and rural
areas
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 always be the second and third places, or in reverse.
To begin
Linking Words
, in 1995, more than 50% of
Australia
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's
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
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 first came to the world; those were from the
cities
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.
While
Linking Words
 the rest were born in rural
areas
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 and
towns
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. The same trend
also
Linking Words
 happened for
people
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 who lived outside the
country
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.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
 there is a significant difference
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
people
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 born in
cities
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 outside
Australia
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 more higher
then
Linking Words
people
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 inside
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country
Add an article
the country
show examples
. 15 years later, the amount of
people
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 who born in
towns
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 and rural
areas
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 were dramatically went down to
lower
Correct word choice
less
show examples
 than 10%.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, 80% of
people
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 outside the
country
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 are mostly born in
cities
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,
while
Linking Words
, it was 70 % for
people
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 inside
Australia
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.
Submitted by putri on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, australia, cities, towns, areas, country with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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