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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Practice 2: Some people say that the government should spend more money taking care of elderly people while others think that government spending should be spent more on the education of young people. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Dedicating specific amounts of
money
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 to take
care
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 of old
people
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 has become a vital topic of debate.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that governments should take proactive steps for
this
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 trend, others argue that spending countless
money
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 to improve the
education
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 of the younger generation is more essential. Both sides of the argument highlight significant points which will be discussed by following my own view
at the end
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. First of all, elderly
people
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 face various challenges in their lives, leading to require more attention. So, the government can play a practical role in solving and reducing these challenges. Evidence is presented that, old
people
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 not only need
health
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care
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 protections but
also
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 face various mental
health
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 challenges
such
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 as a sense of isolation.
Therefore
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 it is crucial to invest amounts of
money
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 in pursuing their necessities.
For instance
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, consider an alone old man who needs to meet their daily demands
such
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 as their daily ingredients for preparing foods or
health
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care
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 insurance toward following his monthly
health
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 checkups.
On the other hand
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, investing
money
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 in the development of
education
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 not only brings a sense of fulfilment to the younger generation but
also
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 contributes to creating developed societies.
Additionally
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, governments should take substantial steps to encourage young
people
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 to pursue higher
education
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. So,
this
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 shift can offer significant benefits for both societies and individuals as a whole.
For instance
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, consider a talented young boy who is not affluent to pursue higher
education
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 and achieve his goals.
As a result
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, if governments implement substantial subsidies for these types of students, they can become dramatically successful in their lives. In conclusion,
while
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 there are positive opinions on investing amounts of
money
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 for elderly
people
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 to support their
health
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care
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 issues and their necessities, some individuals argue that boosting educational sectors, especially for the younger generation is more vital. I strongly advocate the first view that spending excessive
money
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 on elderly
people
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 is essential in order to meet their needs.

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, offer more balanced arguments for both sides, and ensure your opinion is supported with clearer reasoning.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by using more linking words to connect your ideas fluidly between and within paragraphs.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and sets up the discussion. Focus on maintaining this clarity throughout.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the essay by presenting both perspectives and outlining your opinion.
task achievement
You use relevant examples to support both sides of the argument, which strengthen your task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
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