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Band 5

Some people work for the same organization all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organizations. Discuss both these point of views and give your opinion.

#people #work #organization #life #organizations #point
Nowadays people are so occupied
such
 they spend their whole life working
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
one
 place even without
realising
Correct pronoun usage
realising it
show examples
.
Hence
, some pupils argue that it is
important
Correct quantifier usage
more important
show examples
 to explore different work
environemnts
Correct your spelling
environments
environment
 than spending many years of your life at
single
Add an article
a single
show examples
 organization. I will
dicuss
Correct your spelling
discuss
 the positive aspects of working at a workplace and at different workplaces
ina
Correct your spelling
in a
show examples
 lifespan, in upcoming paragraphs and later will come up with my opinion on
this
 statement. First of all, there are various
advantageous
Replace the word
advantages
show examples
 of continuing work at a company
like
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apply
show examples
an individual can get promotions and pay
raise
Fix the agreement mistake
raises
show examples
accoriding
Correct your spelling
according
 to the government rules with some other benefits of getting timely vacations and sick pay for sick leaves.
For example
, I used to change work
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every 6 months, I barely got any help from the employers in the past.
However
, now I have been working in a childcare centre for more than 1+ year with benefits like insurance, paid sick absences, yearly vacations and many other assets.
Thus
, employing at a company can prove to be greatly
benficial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
.
Secondly
, finding
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
 in different fields in a
life time
Correct your spelling
lifetime
show examples
 can be helpful in a way that a person can get experience and gain knowledge of different things.
For instance
, I see my friend often changing jobs and
one
 day when I asked for the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 doing so, she said, she gets enough confidence to start over when she is not being treated well, plus she can choose a better salary in less time rather than doing
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 at
one
 place and waiting for some rude manager to give her
promtion
Correct your spelling
promotion
 or a pay raise after years.
Moreover
, I
ponder
Verb problem
think
show examples
 it is quite true
sometimes
Correct word choice
that sometimes
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 there are chances to get a better
job
 and pay if we are willing to change
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
To conclude
, I think there are many promising reasons for people to keep
one
job
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 retirement and for others too to keep looking for something so they can come out of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 comfort and
can
Verb problem
apply
show examples
accept changes. Despite of respective advantages, I feel different situations and mindsets
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
show examples
 to
diferent
Correct your spelling
different
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 of thinking about
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 arguments.
Therefore
, it is best to do what is good for you.
Submitted by preetsimran0123 on

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logical structure
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay by organizing your thoughts more clearly into distinct paragraphs. This will help in presenting a more structured argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
Enhance the clarity of your ideas by elaborating on them with more specific details and examples. This will make your response more comprehensive.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are present, providing a good overall framework for the essay.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides relevant examples to support the main points, using personal experiences to illustrate the arguments.
complete response
The response thoroughly addresses both viewpoints as required by the task, showing a balanced discussion.
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