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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the percentage of perticipants of women in senior management in three companies between 1975 and 2015.

The table below shows the percentage of perticipants of women in senior management in three companies between 1975 and 2015.
The table illustrates the number of
women
Use synonyms
 who
perticioated
Correct your spelling
participated
in senior management in three unknown companies from 1975 to 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
show examples
 of
women
Use synonyms
 employed in all plants increased. Interestingly, Eldan
Use synonyms
ltd's
Change the capitalization
Ltd's
show examples
 rate of
women
Use synonyms
 rose significantly,
while
Linking Words
 despite
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 initial dominance of Bamforth and Finsbury
Ltds
Correct your spelling
Ltd
, the highest figure became Eldan
Ltd
Use synonyms
. Looking at the details, the figures Bamforth
Ltd
Use synonyms
 and
Finsbory
Correct your spelling
Finsbury
Ltd
Use synonyms
 started with 9 % and 16 % respectively,
while
Linking Words
 the former
then
Linking Words
 increased considerably to 11 %, followed by
marked
Add an article
a marked
show examples
 increase to 2 %
each
Change the determiner
every
show examples
5 years, it stood at 17 % in 2000, where ending up with 46 % in the
year end
Add a hyphen
year-end
show examples
. Turning former, it can be seen that,
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
women
Use synonyms
 who engaged was reversed.
Firstly
Linking Words
, after witnessing a slight decrease, it rose significantly from 16 % to almost
quarter
Correct article usage
a quarter
show examples
.
Finally
Linking Words
, the figure Eldan
Ltd
Use synonyms
 showed a slight increase in the first decade of 14 %. Before
doubled
Wrong verb form
doubling
show examples
 in the next 5 years, it continued its upward trend, completing
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
64 % in 2015.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, ltd with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significantly" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
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