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Writing Samples /
Band 6

In many countries, people are moving away from rural areas and towards urban areas. Why do you think that is? What problems can this cause?

#countries #people #areas
It is true that
,
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apply
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 these days, people from the countryside want to move to the
city
 for better opportunities. 
This
 phenomenon can be
particulary
Correct your spelling
particularly
 seen among
young
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the young
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 population, who are aged 20 to 30 years old. They think big cities have bigger markets and they can have better lives there.
Also
, people can easily find cultural activities
such
 as galleries and exhibitions in urban areas.
Furthermore
, for those who live far away from the
city
, it is normal to take hours to get somewhere.
For instance
, I have a friend who
live
Change the verb form
lives
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 4 hours away from Seoul. One day, we decided to go to a job fair together and she had to book
an
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apply
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accommodation for that. Since those kinds of events are usually held in the capital, job seekers need to take the bus or the train for hours.
Therefore
, they just conclude that living in the
city
 is
convinient
Correct your spelling
convenient
.
Therefore
, the number of the young will increase in cities,
whereas
 the old, who don't need to find jobs, will stay in rural areas. It will cause
a huge differences
Correct the article-noun agreement
huge differences
a huge difference
show examples
 between the two because, in the end, governments will build more facilities and buildings in developed places. I think it will become a vicious cycle. The more infrastructures are going to be built, the more population are going to move to the
city
.
Then
,
this
 circle will repeat again and again.
As a result
, small villages and towns will be isolated and ignored. Some of them might disappear in a short period if no one cares about
this
 problem. In conclusion, we need more companies or job opportunities in rural areas as well. It is very important that governments try to tackle
this
 issue.
Submitted by dob.jeong on

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task achievement
To strengthen the response, consider elaborating more on the potential problems caused by the migration trend, like overcrowding in urban areas or loss of agricultural productivity in rural areas.
coherence cohesion
Enhancing coherence can be achieved by using more linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. This will improve the logical flow of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively summarize the main points.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant examples, such as the story about your friend traveling for a job fair, which adds depth to the discussion.
logical structure
The ideas presented are clear, and the points are generally well-organized, aiding the reader's understanding.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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