IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries, sports stars earn extremely high salaries. Some people believe that sports stars earn too much money, while others claim that they deserve their high salaries. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #sports #stars #salaries #people #money
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It is true that in modern society, numerous athletes make
money
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 more than in other societies.Some
people
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 complain that sports stars earn too much
money
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 ,
while
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 other women and men claim that they deserve it because they are popular.I will discuss both views in the next paragraphs. In my opinion, there are two main reasons which contribute to whether sporty
people
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 have a right to get a high salary or not.
Firstly
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,
players
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 who play popular sports like football or basketball can swarm with numerous fans to stadiums to make
money
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 for society by selling tickets and presenting appropriate services
such
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 as transportation .
Secondly
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,
players
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 like Ronaldo and Messi have been role models for every individual ,since they deserve to get high salaries and
also
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 their sacrifices have been imprinted in the minds of
people
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 who are admirable fans .
On the other hand
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,many societies tend to develop tourist attractions by making an ambitious agreement with athletes, which causes too many complaints among other societies.
For example
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,many jobs have different salaries and
people
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 are always trying to meet their requirements in hard situations and when they see some sports stars have made an agreement with the highest
money
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 rather than other jobs, they may disappointed in their living. The governments can play a crucial role in preventing making high
money
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 for
players
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. In conclusion, it is right athletes can raise the name of a country at any international event,
thus
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 they deserve to make more
money
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,
however
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, other parts of society can ask
players
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 why they can become fortune but other
people
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 are still poor.
Submitted by takhtejamshid1400historikal on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the clarity of distinctions between the arguments presented for each side of the discussion. While the essay addresses both sides, at times the arguments seem muddled, making it difficult to follow the individual points comprehensively.
task achievement
Ensure that examples used are more relevant and specific to support and illustrate the main points. Currently, the essay provides general references to well-known sports figures, but specific examples would enrich the discussion.
task achievement
Strengthen task response by providing a more robust conclusion that encapsulates the main arguments effectively. The essay offers a general conclusion but lacks a strong summative statement that drives home the point being made.
coherence cohesion
The essay has both an introduction and conclusion, aligning well with IELTS' expectations for essay structure.
task achievement
The essay tries to explore both perspectives on the issue of high salaries for sports stars, which is vital in meeting the task requirements.
task achievement
Using familiar examples like Ronaldo and Messi can make the essay more relatable and engaging for the reader, thus illustrating the point effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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